Category: strength

Aug 15

SIX THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO GRIEVERS

 

If you want to start a lively discussion sometime, just ask a roomful of grievers whether anyone has made an insensitive remark to them since their loved ones died. I guarantee you the recollections will be vivid, free-flowing and still hurtful no matter how much time has passed.

We all encounter grieving people and of course, we want to offer our sympathy. (If you haven’t ever experienced a deep grief, I especially recommend listening to the song at the blog’s end, “I Will Not Say Goodbye” written by contemporary Christian artist Danny Gokey after the death of his 27-year-old wife.)

Here’s my list of SIX THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO GRIEVERS:

  1.  God must have needed him/her more than you do.
    God is self-sufficient and needs nothing. He is not made greater, stronger or better by anyone or anything. Yes, He loves our loved ones even more than we do, but He does not take them Home out of His own necessity.

2.   At least you have other children.
I remember when I miscarried our first baby at three months gestation on Mother’s Day of all days. That night a nurse came by my hospital room and told me: “You’re young—you’ll have other children.”

Her words did not comfort me. I didn’t want a “replacement” baby—I wanted that child I already loved. I needed to grieve the baby I would hold only in my heart and never in my arms.

And as devastating as a miscarriage can be, the death of a child is even more so.  A parent burying a son or daughter is so unnatural, I believe this is the deepest grief to bear. And having other children still alive does not diminish the loss. The less said by onlookers, the better.

3.    At least he lived a long life.

If this thought gives you comfort when your loved one passes, by all means say it to yourself, but it’s not a phrase that others should use with grievers. Simply because someone was 80, 90 or even 100 doesn’t mean it feels OK that he/she is no longer in this world. In fact, when a loved one has been in our life for a long time, it can feel really difficult not to see/call/take care of them each day.

My Mom passed away at the age of 82 after many health struggles and I mistakenly thought that because she had been in my life for a whole 60 years, I wouldn’t grieve as much. It has been four years and I honestly still could cry everyday—and many days I do.

4.    You’re young—you’ll find someone else.

Even if this is true, such a statement minimizes the special love relationship two people had. Those burying a spouse/partner/fiancé do not need to run out and find a new mate. They may indeed find love again, but first need to grieve what they had and lost.

5.    I know just how you feel.

I remember when someone said this to me shortly after my 86-year-old father passed away. I wanted to reply: “Really…your Dad died a few hours before your Mom got home from the hospital after being there two weeks for cancer surgery complications? So the day that was supposed to be your parents’ happy reunion became the date your brother had to drive three hours and break the news to your Mom? And meanwhile you were hurriedly driving seven hours in a vain attempt to say goodbye to your Dad? Really…you had all that happen to you, too? Every grief has it’s own uniqueness, including how it affects those left behind. So while you may have an inkling, you do not know exactly how someone feels.

6.    I thought you’d be over this by now.

People do not get over grief. They get through it. There is no universal timetable for grieving and grief work is not a linear progression. “Getting over it” is what we do when a boyfriend breaks up with us or we lose a job or someone hurts our feelings. The idea of “getting over” our grief implies that we’re never going to miss that person or be sad again. It’s simply not true because when we love deeply, we grieve deeply.

Here’s the perfect prayer to lift to God for yourself if you’re grieving, or for your mourning friends and family:

            Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless.
      Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them.
                                                                                 Psalm 10:17

NEXT WEEK: SIX THINGS ALWAYS TO SAY TO GRIEVERS

 

 

 

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Aug 01

Do I Have to Go to Oz to Get Some Courage?

 

I am by nature a wimp.

I bruise and scar easily. Loud noises hurt my ears. I get motion sickness just turning around in the front seat of a car.

And I definitely do not like pain.

When I made the appointment for my first post-cancer colonoscopy (absolutely not scheduled to air on national TV like Katie Couric’s!), I told the secretary I wanted plenty of anesthesia because I had been uncomfortably awake during most of the procedure the first time with a different physician.

“Be sure and tell the doctor,” I instructed her. But her casual “uh-huh” left me feeling that she didn’t think it was a real priority.

“Write on my chart ‘Wimp—needs lots of anesthesia,’” I instructed her again. She laughed and I still wondered whether she knew how serious I was.

My question was answered a few weeks later when I met my new gastroenterologist, Dr. Jim Srour, just moments before he started the procedure. The I.V. already was running into my hand as he read my medical chart. “I see it says here that you are a wimp and need lots of anesthesia,” he said without cracking a smile.

“Yes, that’s me!” I exclaimed.

He instructed the nurse to put more anesthesia in my I.V., and that is how and why Jim Srour became my favorite gastroenterologist!

Like the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz, I often feel I could use a dose of courage, but it’s not usually as easy as getting a little more medicine in an I.V. tube. But I do believe it is possible, even if we’re not naturally brave, to supernaturally receive courage for ourselves and even enough to share with others.

It’s important to understand that receiving supernatural courage is not the same as being a naturally brave person. It’s not something magical that happens to some people and not to others. No, you don’t have to go to Oz to find it.

The kind of courage I’m talking about is what God supernaturally pours into our hearts—even into ordinary, wimpy hearts like mine—through the power of His Spirit as we draw close to Him. And when He does, others notice—especially if we’re in a difficult situation.

“People tell me that I have a shine about me that they just don’t usually see in people,” says my friend Jutta, diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2003 and given two years to survive, but still cancer-free today. “I tell them that’s just a gift from God.”

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. 2 Corinthians 4:7

Yes, it takes courage to live with life’s trials, but it’s not something we just have to reach way down deep into ourselves and find. No, instead, it’s power we receive from God to be strong even when we are weak.

I love psychiatrist M. Scott Peck’s thoughts on courage: “The absence of fear is not courage; the absence of fear is some kind of brain damage. Courage is the capacity to go ahead in spite of the fear, or in spite of the pain.”*

I know it is difficult to persevere in life’s trials, but I am convinced that it’s not the amount of our faith that gives us courage, it’s the object of our faith that makes all the difference.

Whenever I place my faith in God, I find courage. I don’t need luck, natural bravery, or a trip to the Wizard of Oz! You don’t need a lot of faith to find courage, but you do need to place your faith in the only One who can meet your deepest needs.

These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage: I have overcome the world.–Jesus speaking in John 16:33

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.– Deuteronomy 31:8

* M.Scott Peck, Further Along the Road Less Traveled (New York: Touchstone, 1993), 23.

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Jul 25

Encouraging a Depressed Loved One

 

The word “encourage” means to inspire or fill someone with courage, spirit or hope. But how in the world do you encourage someone who is depressed?

To answer that difficult question, I’d like to share some thoughts from the book New Light on Depression by David Biebel, D.Min. and Harold Koenig, M.D.

“Family members, loved ones, and friends should encourage depressed persons—to get up in the morning, to go out to dinner, to go to a movie, to exercise with them, to do the things their depression is preventing them from enjoying, and to seek professional help if they are not doing so already. Once depressed people get out and start moving they often feel a lot better. Encouraging, however is not the same as forcing, manipulating, or cajoling, nor will arguing about it help much…Here, again, discernment is crucial so that your suggestions are made in the right way at the right time, to ensure the greatest likelihood that they will be accepted.

“One way to encourage a depressed friend to get out (and to get help) is to find a good depression support group and invite your loved one to attend it with you.” [1]

Biebel and Koenig identify “four helping patterns” they have seen Christians employ with their depressed family and friends-only one of which really helps. These are:

  1. Judging (“Your problem is caused by sin or lack of faith”)
  2. Giving advice (“Cheer up—things could be worse!”),i
  3. Identification (sympathizing so much that you get sucked into the pit of depression, too) and
  4. Empathy (suffering together with the person).

According to the authors “Only empathy really helps.” [2] Empathizers deeply feel the other person’s pain, without making it their own.

“The empathizer goes and gets a ladder, puts it in the pit, and climbs down to be with the depressed person until he or she is ready to climb out,” the authors say. “The key difference is that the empathizer has a goal in mind—not just to feel the depressed person’s pain, but to also act in a sense as a redeemer, willing to pay whatever cost there is in order for the other person to be healed…

“If you are really going to help your loved one through and beyond depression, the only way is to lay aside your rights, by choice, with the goal of serving that person’s best interests until he or she emerges into the light of day again.” [3]

Got a ladder? Put it down in your depressed loved one’s pit, climb down with them and pray for them until they can climb out.

Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
 Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me.
I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me… 
Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful.
Don’t hide from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
 Come and redeem me; free me from my enemies. Psalm 69:1-3, 16-18

O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health. Psalm 30:2

[1] David B. Biebel and Harold G. Koenig New Light on Depression: Help, Hope, and Answers for the Depressed and Those Who Love Them (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House), 2004, 233.
[2] Ibid, 246.
[3] Ibid, 248-249.

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Jul 18

How Your Mind Can Help Heal Your Body

Isn’t it amazing the impact our thoughts can have on our bodies?

Back in 1990, I got chemo every Wednesday and that evening we would take our girls to Shoney’s Restaurant for supper because kids 12 and under (of which we had three!) were free. I was always pretty nauseous, so while my family enjoyed the buffet, I sipped a cup of cream of broccoli soup and ate saltines.

A couple weeks after I finished treatment, we decided to go to Shoney’s again. I was anticipating being able to enjoy the array of food, but guess what? The memory of all those stomach-churning weeks made me feel so nauseous I thought I was going to be sick just standing at the buffet! (And it took me years to be able to eat cream of broccoli soup again!)

Our oncology office had a teenage boy who used to come in for treatment and each time–before he even got a drop of chemo–he would puke. No amount of anti-nausea medicine ahead of time ever prevented it. And I also know a cancer survivor who got nauseous when she saw her oncologist at the mall! (Glad that wasn’t true for me because my oncologist and his wife became our best friends!)

Obviously, the connection between mind and body is real. But our mind’s influence on our body can be positive as well as negative. And while I don’t believe our thoughts can guarantee a better outcome for our health, I do believe they can influence it. Psychologist and author Dr. William Backus says people dealing with illness need to remember three facts:

Your beliefs create your thoughts.

Your thoughts generate feelings.

Your feelings affect your body’s healing systems.

“Psychoneuroimmunology” is the fancy label attached to the subject of mind-body healing, which is being studied increasingly by therapists and researchers, who even have discovered a hard-wire connection between the body’s immune system and the brain’s central nervous system.

So, if your brain has the ability to send messages to your immune system cells, “what you believe and tell yourself can become a powerful medication in your personal pharmacy,” according to Dr. Backus.

He advocates not just positive-thinking, but telling ourselves the truth about our situation. He has gathered many examples of truthful healing beliefs embraced by those who have survived life-threatening illnesses. Here are a few—I hope you, too, can add them to your mind’s pharmacy:

  • “I refuse to believe my diagnosis is an automatic death sentence.
  • I believe treatment is effective against this illness, especially the skillful efforts of scientific medicine combined with my strategies for replacing lying thoughts with the truth.
  • I believe my hormones and immune system were created to be on the side of my healing and can work to overcome this illness.
  • I believe God is on the side of my healing because His unbreakable Word says so.
  • I believe I am personally responsible for my treatment and for managing it.
  • I believe hope is a choice. I choose hope, not hopelessness.
  • I believe I’m on earth to share hope, and joy with others. I’m here to love others, regardless of my physical condition.
  • I believe that God’s will is good. I believe that He loves me and wants only the best for me—no matter what He is allowing me to experience right now.
  • I can recover from this illness and live a rich, productive life. But whether I recover or not, I am going to leave this life someday regardless. Until then I can live a full life of service every day for as long as I am given.” William Backus, The Healing Power of the Christian Mind (Minneapolis: Bethany House, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 1996) 96.

Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the LORD and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones. Proverbs 3:7-8

My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lost sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body. Proverbs 4:20-22

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Jul 11

I Don’t Want to Take One Day at a Time

 

There are certain “encouraging” phrases spoken to people going through difficulties which drive me nuts.

“It’s all gonna work out.” (So you have a crystal ball and can see my future?)

“I’m sure everything’s going to be fine.” (Because nothing bad ever happens to nice people?!)

“Just take it one day at a time.” (Thanks, I’d rather skip this whole month!)

I imagine the person uttering these kinds of phrases feels better after saying them, but weary listeners–myself included–aren’t necessarily cheered.

But despite my aversion to these cliches, I must admit that each does have an element of truth. Whatever trouble is happening will be worked out…eventually. I’m just not positive that each of us will see how it gets worked out in our lifetime. And everything will be fine in the sense that the things which really matter most–those of eternal value–can never be lost.

And as much as much as I don’t want anyone saying it to me right now as my husband and I walk through his health crisis, I have been admonishing myself: Just take it one day at a time.

Our grandchildren Ben and Abby have helped me keep that singular focus by making my husband a calendar to countdown the days remaining in his six weeks regimen of daily I.V. antibiotics. Ben, almost a kindergartener, drew the numbers (frontwards twos are overrated!) and Abby, almost a preschooler, helped decorate the background. (I guess 22-month-old Jack’s contribution was not ripping it up!)

Every day my husband and I smile as we rip off a calendar sheet and continue the countdown (Well, except for today as I write this. His PICC line won’t flush so I’m waiting for a nurse to come out and troubleshoot and hoping we are not headed to the hospital!)

It’s so hard to concentrate only on today. My rational mind wants to focus on the fact our entire summer is basically shot because my husband can’t walk. My brain keeps zeroing in on the fact the fall season is not going to be much better as he faces months of rehab. And it’s difficult not to dwell on the reality we’re facing many more months of sleep-interrupted nights, of too-tiring days and of what-if tomorrows.

But the truth is, it’s biblical to just take life one day at a time.

Remember in the desert when the Israelites complained God had forgotten them and they didn’t have anything good to eat? God responded by sending a delicious “flaky substance as fine as frost” which became known as “manna,” meaning “what is it?” And the instructions for gathering this daily sustenance were very specific.

Exodus 16:4: Then the Lord said to Moses, “Look I’m going to rain down food from heaven for you. Each day the people can go out and pick up as much food as they need for that day. I will test them in this to see whether or not they will follow my instructions.”

Here’s what happened next: “So the people of Israel did as they were told. Some gathered a lot, some only a little. But when they measured it out, everyone had just enough, Those who gathered a lot had nothing left over, and those who gathered only a little had enough. Each family had just what it needed.” (Exodus 16:17-18)

The people were further instructed not to try and save any manna overnight, but some didn’t listen. The next morning, the Bible says, their hoarded manna was full of maggots and smelled terrible.

Personally, I would love to stockpile a supply of manna for a whole month, or at least a week. I’d like some in my back pocket so I knew that what I needed to get through tomorrow and the next day was right there.

But it doesn’t work that way.

What the Israelites needed to get  them through the day had to be provided fresh by God each morning. And what you and I need for our journey in the desert needs to come daily from God’s hand by the power of His Spirit in us.

We are instructed to go to the Lord each morning and gather our daily sustenance–our manna–from Him. As we pray and move into His presence, we find His faithfulness, His love, His mercies, His faithfulness…our hope.

The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.  I say to myself, “The LORD is my inheritance; therefore I will hope in him!” Lamentations 3:22-23

O LORD, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for I pray to no one but you. Listen to my voice in the morning, LORD. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly. Psalm 5:1-3

So please don’t tell me I need to just take one day at a time–I’m pretty busy telling myself.

P.S. The nurse was able to troubleshoot the PICC line and get it working again. Hurray!

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