Category: caregivers

May 20

Do You or Someone You Know Need a Vacation From Illness?

Our extended family of 14 (seven adults and seven kids) always spends a fun-filled vacation week together and this year we’ll be heading back to a lakeside home in the Poconos Mountains (a.k.a. foothills). I think most of us are counting the days until we can relax, refresh, renew…and catch more fish with Grandpa!

Ever feel like you need a vacation from whatever health trial you and your family are facing?

You probably do (or you know someone who does)—at least a mental one, if not a physical respite as well.

Believe it or not the chemo room at Dr. Marc Hirsh’s office, where I worked as a patient advocate for nearly 20 years, became a mini-vacation from illness for patients when we threw elaborate parties for two days near Halloween.

One year it was a Sesame Street theme and I obliged as Miss Piggy. (For the record, I “porked up” with eight pairs of rolled up socks under my skirt and down my blouse!)

Another year we dressed up as Wizard of Oz characters with good and bad witches giving chemo. I covered my whole yellow-clad body with a long piece of yellow shelf paper.

“Follow the yellow brick road!” I announced in my best Munchkin voice as I led patients back to the treatment room.

You’ve probably heard of the non-profit organization Make-a-Wish which grants wishes for children facing a life-threatening illness—often a trip to Disney World or a chance to meet a famous athlete or movie star, but there also are programs for adults.  

If you search “free wish-granting for adult patients” a slew of them come up. This list will get you started on vacays for all kinds of serious illnesseshttps://cancercarenews.com/more-cancer-freebies/wishes/ But don’t make the mistake I did once by searching for “adult wishes” as that’s an entirely different category!

My friend Barb Titanish and her wonderful H.O.P.E. ministry, have created a beautiful farmhouse retreat in south-central Pennsylvania where folks can have a vacation from cancer. The 18-acre site has a beautiful farmhouse, a swimming pool, peaceful walking trails, a tranquility garden and a fire pit . Folks can come for three to five days. https://hopelifeline.org/application-for-haven/ 

“Whether you are just diagnosed, starting a new treatment or at the end of life, you need to give yourself a break,” says Barb. 

You also can create a mini-vacation from illness right in your own home. Declare every first Friday of the month to be “Cancer-Free Friday” where you only watch funny movies and no one is allowed to mention the “C” word. Or plan an outing for the day—a backroads ride with a picnic or an ice cream stop. Perhaps a mani-pedi and a tea room. Or maybe an afternoon hitting golf balls and eating BBQ.

Ask yourself, what would help your mind/body/spirit to take a vacation from whatever you’re facing? Pray about it and ask God how you or someone you know can make it happen. People cannot read your mind so let those who have asked to help you know what you really need. You deserve a break today…and I’m not thinking McDonald’s.

When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. Psalm 84:6

Adapted from Peace in the Face of Cancer ©2017 by Lynn Eib

P.S. I’d love for you to leave a comment about vacation plans you have for any kind of R&R this summer!)

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Open in your browser to hear Refresh Me by Leeland

Mar 11

When “Normal” is No More

June 2020, first grandbaby

May 29, 2024, started out as a normal day for my dear friend Karen. She was ready to leave for her secretarial job at her normal time of 6:30 AM. She kissed her husband Tim goodbye as she normally did. He was in the kitchen making his normal cup of coffee.

No one knew it would be the last “normal” day of Tim’s life…or of Karen’s.

Apparently shortly after she left, Tim walked into the adjacent living room and collapsed with a massive stroke–his coffee still untouched.

And so began months of doctors, procedures, hospital stays, rehab…and prayers. First, that Tim would survive, and then that despite his left side paralysis, he could regain some physical abilities.

Tim worked tirelessly at long, intensive rehab sessions. It was really tough, but he made slow, encouraging gains.

Meanwhile, Karen started spiraling down.

“There are a mountain of things that are now my responsibility,” Karen texted me in June 2024.

I knew from our four decades of friendship that Tim, a Navy veteran and retired tool and die maker, took care of most of the household responsibilities–financial affairs, yard work, cooking, cleaning, car maintenance.

There was no time for Karen to grieve what the couple had lost. Being Tim’s caregiver was like another full-time job, as she tried to figure out what he could and couldn’t do, what he needed from her, and how to get help for both of them.

“I’m mostly imprisoned in my own house because Tim cannot be left alone and we can’t travel easily with a wheelchair,” she explained in an August 2024 text.

The normally witty, fun Karen slid into a very deep depression.

“I have failed my husband and my Lord so badly,” she told me. “I’ve been so broken, so angry and so resentful. Tim is still as sweet as ever…I am not.”

Karen saw a psychiatrist and started on an antidepressant, but there was no quick fix.

Almost two years later, not much has changed about the couple’s circumstances, but finally she can see some light–thanks to medicine, counseling and prayer…especially the prayers of others.

“Had I not been surrounded by good Christian friends and family praying for me every day, I am convinced I would still be in the darkness of depression and anger because I simply could not pray,” she explained.

Early on after the stroke, Karen said that she believed “one day I will be able to tell a triumphant story of Tim’s recovery.”

March 2026

I agree that Tim’s survival and recovery has been a miraculous one–especially as he has maintained much of his memory and all of his lovable personality.

But I wanted to write about Karen today because I believe she has a triumphant story of continuing recovery from the depths of despair.

I know she sees “failure” and “shame” in her life, but I see raw honesty, which always pleases God.

 “I’m clawing my way back one prayer, one verse at a time,” she confided.

If you or someone you love has ever struggled with depression, you understand how dark it can get. Maybe you or your loved one has a chronic illness/condition and realize life never will be “normal” again. Perhaps, like Karen, you are a worn out caregiver.

I hope you will join Karen in “clawing” your way back. Crying out for God’s strength and clinging to His loving promises…even from the depths. That, my friend, is how triumphing over darkness begins.

Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water and the floods overwhelm me…
Answer my prayers, O LORD, for Your unfailing love is wonderful. Psalm 69:2, 16

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 Please open in your browser to hear the song which Karen listened to in her darkest moments:
Desperate by Jamie MacDonald (with Lauren Daigle) © 2024 Capitol CMG, Inc.

Feb 11

Who’s Taking Care of YOU?

Do you know what to do if you’re on an airplane and there’s a sudden loss of cabin pressure?

Image by Orna from Pixabay

Scream? Pray? Help other passengers?

All good ideas, but if you paid attention to the flight attendant before takeoff, you know to “secure your own oxygen mask first before you help others.” 

Thankfully, I’ve never been on a plane experiencing a sudden loss in cabin pressure, but hearing a diagnosis of cancer or facing some other life-altering situation in your life or your loved one’s certainly can make one feel faint.

It’s common for folks to feel exhausted while caring for a cancer patient…or aging parents…or special needs children…or a loved one with a chronic condition…or grandchildren caught in a nasty divorce. The weeks, months or even years of loving support can weary anyone.

Many years ago I remember being awakened–yet again– in the middle of the night hearing my father-in-law in his bedroom below us. When I checked, I found him sitting stark naked on the bed. I asked him about his clothes to which he replied: “Ralph took them off.”

I redressed him, went back upstairs, chided my husband for disrobing his dad and tried to get back to sleep before I had to get three little girls ready for school.

I’ve been a caregiver for family members—either unwell physically or mentally—for most of the past three decades. I’ve had a relative with dementia living in our home for years and I’ve made bi-weekly seven-hour car trips for months to be with a relative undergoing chemo. I’ve been so physically fatigued I had to literally crawl up the second-floor stairs and I’ve been so emotionally exhausted I’ve spent hundreds of dollars pouring out my woes to a counselor.

Being a caregiver is incredibly hard…I get it.

But I also know we make the task even more difficult when we fail to take good care of ourselves. Do you know what Jesus said the two most important commandments are? First, “Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength” and second, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Don’t miss those last two words: “as yourself.” It doesn’t just say to “love your neighbor.” It says we need to love ourselves. In fact, we can’t really love other people if we don’t love ourselves.

It is not selfish of you to do something refreshing, rejuvenating or relaxing for yourself. You cannot “fill up” your loved one when both of you are running on fumes. 

I remember when I settled my mother’s estate after she lived the last years of her life in a wonderful continuing care retirement community. There was a whopping $900 left.

I gave our three girls $100 each and told them to treat themselves. I gave my brother $300 and told him to do the same. And then I took my $300 and went to Hershey Spa for the day. I’m positive that my mom–a very frugal person–approved of my splurge.

If you can’t leave your family member alone, this is the time to call in one of those offers of help that others have made.  Watch a funny movie, enjoy a massage, go fishing, get a pedicure, take a walk, hit a bucket of balls, catch a nap. Do something to lift your spirits so afterward you can once again lift someone else’s.

And please cut yourself some slack as you wait for your caregiving burden to ease.  Here’s a prayer from the song “Make it Well” by MercyMe*:

I need a peace that only Heaven knows
Jesus, could you please
just sit and cry with me
Till I can sing
Till I can sing
It is well with my soul.

++++++++++++++++++Excerpted from Peace in the Face of Cancer ©Lynn Eib 2017+++++++++++++
* Please open in your browser https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLrF-ml7uks&list=RDxLrF-ml7uks&start_radio=1  to hear  “Make it Well” by MercyMe (from their new film “I Can Only Imagine 2” in theaters Feb. 20).

Nov 18

When Life Gets “Really Messed Up”

In 2006 Debbie was the 39-year-old mother of a toddler daughter, and she and husband Karl wanted one more child.

Instead her life plans “got really messed up” when they learned she was pregnant with twins.

“That caused a lot of anxiety because I’m a planner and I was planning on having two kids, not three,” Debbie explained as we chatted recently at our favorite coffeehouse.

She delivered identical twin daughters with a combined birth weight of nearly 14 pounds and settled into caring for two newborns and a 3-year-old. But at 4 months, the twins were not hitting expected developmental milestones.

“Even though the doctor wasn’t concerned, I kept feeling that something was off,” Debbie recalled.

At the age of 1 neither Sydney nor Danielle could stand, and at 2 they still weren’t talking. Evaluations with early intervention and sessions with therapists produced no answers, but every specialist thought they might catch up.

And then Debbie’s life plans got shattered when a new doctor bluntly assessed the beautiful 2-year-olds, saying “they’re not going to catch up.”

Sydney & Danielle, 1 year old

“He took away all hope from us,” Debbie recalled. “Karl and I left that appointment and our world was rocked. I spiraled down to a really dark place with so much anxiety. Medication helped some, but I was waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks.”

She called an old friend and asked how she overcame her anxiety.

“It’s going to sound silly,” the friend acknowledged, “but I started following Jesus.”

Meanwhile Debbie’s mother-in-law lovingly urged her “to let your worries go to God.”

That created a new problem because in college Debbie had begun questioning God’s existence.

But in spite of her doubts, in 2010 she visited a church near her home. There she joined a small group and was baptized, but privately wondered: if there is a God, why would He do this to me?

Front to back: Kiersten, Danielle & Sydney

In 2013 when the twins were 6, brain MRIs showed an anomaly called polymicrogyria*. Additional testing at 14 found a rare genetic mutation which shed more light on the girls’ intellectual disability, ADHD, speech/language impairment, and juvenile scoliosis.

Then in 2021, while still struggling with all the “normal” things her family couldn’t do, she joined my weekly women’s Bible study to get help understanding Scripture.

“Your group changed my life literally,” she told me. “At some point I started realizing that God has a purpose for everyone and mine is to help my girls become the best they can be.

“My anxiety about the twins’ intense physical and emotional needs is what really brought me back to faith,” Debbie explained. “Now just seeing how much they enjoy life and make people smile gives me great joy.”

“Mommy, look at the moon!”
“Ooooh, look! The sky is purple!”

“They see the beauty in everything of God’s creation,” Debbie said, “especially things we just take for granted.”

Despite the fact the twins will never “catch up,” they continue to learn new skills such as stocking shelves and try new activities like gardening at The Camphill School for special needs students.

2025 Debbie, Danielle, Kiersten, Karl & Sydney

And Debbie is especially grateful for her “unplanned” family of three children because of the twins (now 18) impact on their big sister.

“If Kiersten were an only child, she would be so different,” Debbie said. “Because of them, she has become so compassionate.

“Having special needs twins was never my plan, but now I know God’s plan is for me to help them grow and become all they were meant to be,” she explained. “As long as I focus on that, I can handle the challenges and be at peace with our life, even though it is so different from that of our friends.”
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*Polymicrogyria is a brain malformation characterized by excessive folds in the cerebral cortex. Poly (many)-micro (small)-gyria (folds)

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Open in your browser to hear “Good Plans” by Red Rock Worship  © 2023 Songs of Red Rocks Worship Publishing /Be Essential Songs (BMI) (admin. at EssentialMusicPublishing.com); Redburns (ASCAP)
 

Oct 14

You Need a “Karen” in Your Life

Photo credit: X@gracklebirder1

Last month a Phillies fan retrieved a home run ball and handed it to his young son, only to be immediately confronted by another Phillies fan, who demanded the ball, which had landed nearer her. The shocked dad took the ball from his kid and gave it to the woman, who marched back to her seat.

The incident was captured on video and of course, went viral. Social media immediately nicknamed her “Phillies Karen.”

In case you’re not familiar with “Karen” as a pejorative slang term, Wikipedia explains it is “typically used to refer to a middle class woman who is perceived as entitled or excessively demanding.”

Many women with the now-maligned name of Karen have started using the tagline “Not that Karen”–as evidenced by one of my fellow New York Times Spelling Bee game players.

Through the years I’ve had many women actually named Karen move in and out of my life. In fact at one point in the ’80s there were so many Karens in our church that they started a “Karen Choir” of six lovely voices.

I truly treasure all those Karen-memories, but three Karens have especially blessed my life.

All are younger than I am–spring chickens, only in their 60s–and my dear friends for four decades. They epitomize poet William Ward’s description:

“A friend is one who joyfully sings with you when you are on the mountaintop
and silently walks beside you through the valley.”

Friend. It’s a word not easily described, so we tend to stick adjectives in front of it: close friend, best friend, childhood friend, lifelong friend. Friends are special because–unlike our relatives–we get to pick them!

L. to R., Karen W., Karen M., Karen Y.

I’m so happy I picked Karen M. for a friend. Her wry humor still cracks me up and I’m inspired by her care for her husband, who had a massive stroke last year, paralyzing his left side. I especially appreciate her raw honesty as she struggles against the fear, anxiety and overwhelming daily tasks: “I’m clawing my way back–one prayer, one verse at a time.”

I’m so grateful I picked Karen W. as a friend. Together we’ve nursed our babies, served our Lord and ministered to cancer patients and grievers. Her incredible compassion for family, friends and the lost energizes me to press on and not give up.  And I’ll never forget that she “celebrated” her 30th birthday visiting me in the hospital after my cancer surgery.

And I’m so thankful I picked Karen Y. to be my friend. For 14 years we’ve celebrated a “Pamper Lynn & Karen Day” (sometimes multiple times!) Her wise insights feed my mind and her peaceful presence soothes my soul, as she reminds me to “Keep swimming, little eagle!” ( https://lynneib.com/2025/09/09/10892/ )

My weary friend, you need a Karen, too.

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

And if you don’t feel like you have that kind of friend, ask God to bring someone into your life as He did for the Apostle Paul:

When we arrived at Macedonia, there was no rest for us. We faced conflict from every direction, with battles on the outside and fear on the inside. But God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us by the arrival of Titus.  2 Corinthians 7:5-6

Ask God to send a “Titus” (or a Not-that-Karen) to bring you healing hope.

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Open in your browser to hear the contemporary Christian group Selah sing “You Raise Me Up” ©Universal Music Publications and Peermusic III Ltd . This is what true friends do for weary souls.