Category: strength

Oct 03

“I thought I was a goner!”

 

In recognition of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I’d like to introduce you to my dear friend Polly, a cancer-free, five-time survivor–including three breast cancers, one of which was stage 4!

Polly’s personal cancer journey began more than 15 years ago, although her family’s trek with this dreaded disease stretches back decades. Her mother, several maternal aunts and her sister all had breast cancer and the nagging thought of it always was there in Polly’s mind, too.

So when she got the same diagnosis at age 48, she was anxious and upset, but not really surprised. The shock came four years later in 2007 when the cancer spread to her lungs and bones and was considered incurable . (And yes, this story is going to have a “happy” ending–keep reading!)

“I thought I was a goner!” she recalls. “I kept thinking ‘I hope I have another birthday’.”

Polly had the lung tumors surgically removed and started more chemo. We talked and prayed often and Polly kept drawing closer to God as she sat on her front porch each day watching hummingbirds, reading the Bible and talking with her heavenly Father in prayer.

Four months later, the PET scan showed significant improvement and two months after that, all signs of the cancer were gone. She stayed on “maintenance” therapy for a while, but eventually that was stopped and she still is NED–No Evidence of Disease.

“”It’s a blessing beyond my wildest dreams,” she says. “It’s been a wonderful journey of whole new closeness with the Lord.  He just knows what I need right now—this minute, this hour.

“I have learned to seize each day,” she adds. “Every day I get up and say ‘you can have a good day or a bad day’ and I always choose good.”

I think Polly’s optimism and faith is especially amazing because she has survived four more primary cancers (two breast, one melanoma and one rectal), all caught early stage and cured with surgery.

“If this wasn’t my story, I might not believe it,” she admits. “But with God, (my oncologist) Dr. (Marc) Hirsh, and gumption, here I am!!! And I give all the glory to God, who has never left my side.”

I believe Polly has been experiencing what it’s like to walk with God as He goes before us and lights our way during the dark times. Don’t expect that He will light up your whole journey—He might reveal just the next few steps. And don’t imagine that His provision will arrive way ahead of time so you can stockpile it for later.

God’s perfect timing is wonderfully  illustrated in a story shared by Corrie Ten Boom, the Dutch Christian
concentration camp survivor whose family helped hide hundreds of Jews from the Nazis during World War II. The conversation she relates took place when she was a little girl and her father tried to console her fears that she would be unprepared when she had to die someday:

Father sat down on the edge of the narrow bed. “Corrie,” he began gently, “when you and I go to Amsterdam—when do I give you your ticket?”

I sniffed a few times considering this.

“Why just before we get on the train.”

“Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows exactly when we are going to need things, too. Don’t run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us have to die, you will look in your heart and find just the strength you need—just in time.”[1]

“Don’t run out ahead of Him.”

What marvelous advice. God needs to go before us into each day. We don’t yet have what we need to face all of our tomorrows, because we are not yet there. But every day as we come to our heavenly Father in prayer, He promises to guide us and provide for us in that minute, that hour, that day.

 I’d like to pray Deuteronomy 31:6 for you today: Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. Amen.

[1] Corrie ten Boom, The Hiding Place (Grand Rapids: Chosen Books, 1984), 44.

Sep 26

The Most Important Thing about You

The above quote from 20th-century American author/pastor A. W. Tozer is for me a mind-blowing one.

What I think about God–who He is, how He acts, what He can and cannot do–is the very most important thing about me.

Our view of God shapes our attitude, our emotions, our responses, and our plans in unimaginable ways. And if we’re really honest, most of us have false views of God–images which are not taught in scripture, but have been impressed upon us by songs, movies or our religious upbringing. Contrary to that beautiful Bette Midler melody, God is not watching us from a distance and while Garth Brooks is correct that “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers,” we are not just talking to “the man upstairs.”

And illness, suffering and the stresses of life can become even more difficult when we cling to these unbiblical views of God.

The best thing I learned from my cancer journey 28 years ago and my nearly two decades as a patient advocate is that I tend  to limit God. I try to shrink Him to fit into my small brain. I attempt to figure out what He’s going to do and how He’s going to do it. Sometimes I even plan how to get one step ahead of Him!

But watching God work in my life and the lives of thousands of cancer patients and caregivers has enlarged my view of the Almighty. I have had a front-row seat to watching Him accomplish as Ephesians 3:20 says “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.”

So I ask you…how big is your God?

Is he “the man upstairs” who’s fairly nearby and helps out if we need a hand with something? Or is He the Creator who laid the foundations of the earth (Job 38:4) and whose power and presence cannot be contained in a building or a universe (2 Chronicles 2:6)?

Is he like Santa Claus making a list of who’s naughty and nice? Or is He the God of grace, giving us what we don’t deserve and of mercy, not giving us what we do deserve (John 1:16, Ephesians 2:4)?

Is the God of your mind a harsh dictator only looking out for Himself? Or is He the always good Father who
“loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16)?

Is your image of God one of a magic genie who might grant our wishes if we utter the right prayer or say the correct number of Hail Marys? Or is He the holy Almighty “beyond our reach and exalted in power” (Job 37:23) and for whom “nothing is impossible” (Luke 1:37)?

Ponder your situation or your loved one’s and ask yourself what you are thinking about God in relation to that situation. Is your image of Him found in the Bible or has it been pieced together from some less reliable sources?

Author Ann Spangler gives us a true picture of God: “With no failings or flaws, He is better than the best person you have ever met or read about. Because God is entirely good, there is never any room for improvement, never any need for change. Everything about Him–His thoughts, motives, intentions, plans, words, commands, decisions, and actions–is good.”

If that is what comes to mind when you think about God, it will change the way you face the trials of life.

No matter what happens–or doesn’t happen–to you or your loved one, I promise you that no one has ever or will ever love you as much as the one, true God does. Don’t limit Him.

Don’t miss the “Reckless Love” music video–open this blog in your browser or use this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sc6SSHuZvQE

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sep 19

Fear is a Liar

Sometimes things move very quickly once you or a loved one gets a life-threatening diagnosis. I guess that’s good because you don’t have much time to think about it, but it also makes life feel a little like a surreal out-of-body experience: Can that really be me/us everyone is talking about?

My cancer was discovered on a Tuesday and in less than a week I saw the surgeon, had blood taken, got a chest X-ray, “cleaned out” my colon (again!) and had the tumor removed.

Three days later, at 7 a.m., the surgeon and his resident delivered the pathology report as I lay alone in my room. I could tell from their body language that the news ­wasn’t good. They stood against the wall at the end of my hospital bed, as far away from me as they could be.

“Cancer was found in five of twenty lymph nodes,” the surgeon explained matter-of-factly. “You will need chemotherapy and radiation.”

I cried, but no one moved to comfort me.

“Have you ­ever known anyone who ­under­went chemotherapy?” he asked, seeming to grasp for words to continue the conversation.

I nodded, recalling the two people I had known most recently—both of whom had died! I started hyperventilating.

Still, neither doctor moved toward me, but instead the surgeon called a nurse to help me breathe into a paper bag.

“Do you want me to call your husband?” the doctor asked, still at the foot of my bed. I nodded between sobbing gasps into my little brown sack.

Now I was ­really frightened. I desperately needed Ralph. But, for whatever reason, the surgeon did not telephone him. So for several hours I lay in the room alone with my fears.

 

Get a grip on yourself, my head told my heart. What are you so afraid of? Nausea and vomiting? You were sick night and day for six months with all three of your pregnancies. Mouth sores? You’ve had them before. Needles? You’re not afraid of them. Losing your hair? It’ll grow back. Don’t be so vain, my head stated matter-of-factly. But my heart ­didn’t buy it. I just cried harder as I stroked the waist-length hair that I desperately wanted to keep.

Yes, that’s what ­I’m afraid of, I admitted. I ­don’t want to look sick for my children and my husband. I ­can’t imagine watching my hair fall out. I disliked the vanity of my feelings, but it was how I felt.

I ­couldn’t even get my lips to form the word chemotherapy. The fear of facing that, for me, was worse than the initial shock of cancer.

My surgeon obviously did a good job operating on me as I’m still alive and well 28 years later, but his bedside manner wouldn’t have earned such a high grade. It was incredibly impersonal. And not to contact my husband for almost five hours was very unprofessional. I don’t think I should have gotten that bad news all by myself or been left alone for all that time.

But…God used that doctor’s “mistakes” to draw me closer to Himself and help me to face my deepest fears. As I named my fears, they lost much of their power over me and I began to find courage.

Name your fears and lessen their power. Then believe God supernaturally will give you courage to overcome your fears and to live with the uncertainties life brings. Fear is a liar. Are you going to believe a liar or the truth of God’s Word?

I hope Psalm 27:1, 3 can be your prayer today: The LORD is my light and my salvation—so why should I be afraid?…Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. 

 (Copyright 2012 by Lynn Eib, 50 Days of Hope)

[1] M. Scott Peck, Further Along the Road Less Traveled (New York: Touchstone, 1993), pg. 23.

To hear “Fear is a Liar” music video, open in your browser or use this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQTnREEtuNk

Aug 22

SIX THINGS ALWAYS TO SAY TO GRIEVERS

 

Have you ever felt helpless knowing what to say when someone has experienced a deep loss? How do we convey sympathy without saying something irritating or even downright painful? (See last’s week’s blog “Six Things Never to Say to Grievers.”)

Here are my thoughts on SIX THINGS ALWAYS TO SAY TO GRIEVERS.

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  1. I’m so sorry.
    It may not feel as if you’re saying much, but honestly, there are no words you can utter to take away grief. We comfort much better when we give up trying to say something to “fix” the sad situation–it can’t be done. Let your hug, your handshake, your tears and your kiss on the cheek convey that you are sharing in your friend’s sorrow. The best comforters simply feel another’s pain; they don’t try to explain it.
  2. Would it be helpful if I ____________?
    Fill in the blank with something practical: Brought a meal? Picked up your kids for a play date? Mowed your lawn? Got you some groceries? Helped you sort through paperwork? Took you out for coffee? Or whatever creative suggestion you can think of. And then pick a date to do it. Concrete offers with a definite timetable are much more valuable than “Let me know if you need anything.” Grievers feel overwhelmed and don’t want to call people to ask them for a favor.
    If you know your friend’s “love language” (http://5lovelanguages.com), you can choose a sympathy gift accordingly. When my physical-touch-friend’s father died, I gave her a gift certificate for a therapeutic massage. My gifts-friend got a big bouquet of wildflowers (after the funeral bouquets had died.) When my Dad passed away in 2011, my friend Karen knew my primary love language is quality time, so she invited me to “Pamper Lynn Day.” We spent the day getting manicures, browsing antique shops, eating Thai food and talking about parents. It was such an emotionally refreshing day, we created “Pamper Lynn and Karen Day” and this year celebrated our seventh annual event!
  1. A great memory I have of him/her is _____________.

Mourners want to talk about their loved one and hear others speak of ways he/she touched their life. I often wait a few weeks to send a sympathy card so I have plenty of time to write a meaningful note of memories. (And also because grievers are inundated with “sympathy” immediately after the death. Then everyone’s life goes back to normal, but the griever’s never will.) Don’t be afraid to say the deceased person’s name. Yes, it may bring tears to their eyes, but their fear a loved one will be forgotten is even sadder.

 

  1. Is there an especially difficult time of the day/week when I should pray for you?
    When I asked members of my Grief Prayer Support Group this question concerning the hardest time of day, their responses varied. Many said they dreaded too-quiet evenings without their spouse. Some hated mornings with no child to wake up for school. Still others trudged through Sunday afternoons because that was then they always visited their parent. One man in my group feared Friday afternoons at three because that’s when his wife passed away. Discover your grieving friend’s difficult time and promise to pray for them then—you could even text/message a timely reminder that you are praying or send a short prayer to them.
  1. If you want to attend a grief support group, I’ll help you find one and go with you.
    It’s hard to walk into a roomful of grievers, but so much easier with a friend by your side. Many churches hold 13-week Grief Share programs (www.griefshare.org). Stephen Ministries, funeral homes and hospice often offer grief care meetings. There is even support especially for those who have lost a child. I’ve compiled a list of grief care organizations and resources in the back of my book When God & Grief Meet http ://lynneib.com/index.php/my-books/#anchor5. (If you live near Hanover, PA and have lost a loved one to cancer, you can attend a grief prayer support group through Dr. Marc Hirsh’s office.)
  1. I care…and I’m here.
    Your presence speaks much louder than your words. If at all possible, be present physically. If that is not possible, “show up” in phone calls, texts, cards, notes or whatever means you have for connecting. You can be the kind of friends Aaron and Hur were for Moses in Exodus 17.  Moses had to hold high the staff of God for Joshua and the Israelite army because whenever he lowered it, the enemy prevailed. But “Moses’ arms became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands.”

Grieving is exhausting work. Ask God to help you find a sitting “stone” for your mourning friend and then show you how to hold up his/her weary arms.

For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. Isaiah 49:3

If the music video doesn’t automatically open, view in your browser or use this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEz2PsLJ-RI

Aug 15

SIX THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO GRIEVERS

 

If you want to start a lively discussion sometime, just ask a roomful of grievers whether anyone has made an insensitive remark to them since their loved ones died. I guarantee you the recollections will be vivid, free-flowing and still hurtful no matter how much time has passed.

We all encounter grieving people and of course, we want to offer our sympathy. (If you haven’t ever experienced a deep grief, I especially recommend listening to the song at the blog’s end, “I Will Not Say Goodbye” written by contemporary Christian artist Danny Gokey after the death of his 27-year-old wife.)

Here’s my list of SIX THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO GRIEVERS:

  1.  God must have needed him/her more than you do.
    God is self-sufficient and needs nothing. He is not made greater, stronger or better by anyone or anything. Yes, He loves our loved ones even more than we do, but He does not take them Home out of His own necessity.

2.   At least you have other children.
I remember when I miscarried our first baby at three months gestation on Mother’s Day of all days. That night a nurse came by my hospital room and told me: “You’re young—you’ll have other children.”

Her words did not comfort me. I didn’t want a “replacement” baby—I wanted that child I already loved. I needed to grieve the baby I would hold only in my heart and never in my arms.

And as devastating as a miscarriage can be, the death of a child is even more so.  A parent burying a son or daughter is so unnatural, I believe this is the deepest grief to bear. And having other children still alive does not diminish the loss. The less said by onlookers, the better.

3.    At least he lived a long life.

If this thought gives you comfort when your loved one passes, by all means say it to yourself, but it’s not a phrase that others should use with grievers. Simply because someone was 80, 90 or even 100 doesn’t mean it feels OK that he/she is no longer in this world. In fact, when a loved one has been in our life for a long time, it can feel really difficult not to see/call/take care of them each day.

My Mom passed away at the age of 82 after many health struggles and I mistakenly thought that because she had been in my life for a whole 60 years, I wouldn’t grieve as much. It has been four years and I honestly still could cry everyday—and many days I do.

4.    You’re young—you’ll find someone else.

Even if this is true, such a statement minimizes the special love relationship two people had. Those burying a spouse/partner/fiancé do not need to run out and find a new mate. They may indeed find love again, but first need to grieve what they had and lost.

5.    I know just how you feel.

I remember when someone said this to me shortly after my 86-year-old father passed away. I wanted to reply: “Really…your Dad died a few hours before your Mom got home from the hospital after being there two weeks for cancer surgery complications? So the day that was supposed to be your parents’ happy reunion became the date your brother had to drive three hours and break the news to your Mom? And meanwhile you were hurriedly driving seven hours in a vain attempt to say goodbye to your Dad? Really…you had all that happen to you, too? Every grief has it’s own uniqueness, including how it affects those left behind. So while you may have an inkling, you do not know exactly how someone feels.

6.    I thought you’d be over this by now.

People do not get over grief. They get through it. There is no universal timetable for grieving and grief work is not a linear progression. “Getting over it” is what we do when a boyfriend breaks up with us or we lose a job or someone hurts our feelings. The idea of “getting over” our grief implies that we’re never going to miss that person or be sad again. It’s simply not true because when we love deeply, we grieve deeply.

Here’s the perfect prayer to lift to God for yourself if you’re grieving, or for your mourning friends and family:

            Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless.
      Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them.
                                                                                 Psalm 10:17

NEXT WEEK: SIX THINGS ALWAYS TO SAY TO GRIEVERS

 

 

 

If the music video below doesn’t appear, please open in your browser or use this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcrUKDx3m6g