May 16

“You never really understand a person until you…climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

 

This To Kill a Mockingbird snippet of advice comes from Harper Lee’s fictional character Atticus Finch, a white attorney defending a black man falsely accused of rape in a racist 1930s southern community. Finch is adamant that his own children learn to treat everyone with compassion, regardless of their outward differences and admonishes them to try to see life from another’s perspective.  Image result for atticus finch free photos

Families and friends facing serious illness have differences that are much more than skin deep—very diverse personalities and coping styles, which often are misunderstood or unappreciated.

From my observations ministering to cancer patients and their families for more than 25 years, I can tell you that folks normally cope with cancer the same way they coped with life before cancer. The talkers keep chatting and the quiet ones stay mum. The feelers continue to emote and the thinkers keep on rationalizing. The people-oriented surround themselves with folks to spur them on and the task-oriented gather facts to try and problem-solve.

And guess what? That’s okay…because we need each other.

We need an arsenal of abilities and strengths to fight cancer or any other trial and each person in your inner circle of loved ones brings something different to the table. You will be far better equipped if you can appreciate your differences instead of allowing them to annoy or even divide you.

 

My husband of nearly 45 years and I are pretty much exact opposites in personality. I’m a task-oriented
extrovert and my mate is a people-oriented introvert. He’s easy-going and I have to plan to be spontaneous. If you are familiar with the Myers-Briggs type indicator, I’m an ESTJ and he’s an INFP. Even if you’re not familiar with the traits those 10 letters stand for, you can clearly see none of them matches up![1]

 

If you have ever taken the Gary Smalley Personality Types Inventory, I’m a lion-beaver and he’s a golden retriever-otter. A lion’s rallying cry is “Let’s get it done!” while an otter delightfully squeals “Don’t worry, it will all work out!” [2]  Image result for lion beaver otter golden retriever

And what I’ve learned from all this alphabet soup and animal labels is that sometimes my hubby needs to tighten up and sometimes I need to lighten up. And I’ve especially learned that at times I need someone like him who is very different than I am to help me hear from God.

Our Creator designed us to need each other and to be able to offer one another our talents, our gifts, our insights, and our special brand of encouragement. Please don’t let those differences become a wedge in your relationships. One of the primary ways Satan has to discourage families and friends facing serious illness is to get us at odds with one another. Don’t let that deceiver win.

Whether you are the patient or the caregiver, go ahead and consider the world from someone else’s point of view.  Take a deep breath, climb into his or her skin and walk around a little. You want and need people with personalities different from yours to help you find peace in the face of illness.

Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!…Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Romans 12:16, 18 NLT

Don’t tear down another person with your words. Instead, keep the peace, and be considerate. Be truly humble toward everyone… Titus 3:2 The Voice Bible

Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you. 2 Corinthians 13:11 NLT

Adapted from Peace in the Face of Cancer, copyright Lynn Eib 2017.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[1]For more info about the Myers-Brigg Type Indicator personality inventory, go tohttp://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/

[2]To take the free animal personality test, go to http://www.smalley.cc/free-personality-test/

If the music video below doesn’t automatically load, click on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jg1Rm0Ig5o&vl=fr

May 09

The Most Beautiful Sight on My Riverboat Cruise

 

My husband and I recently returned from a breathtaking cruise of the Rhine River from Amsterdam, Netherlands through Germany and France to Basel, Switzerland.  We basked in the beauty of more than 7 million tulips blooming at Keukenhof Gardens, marveled at the 13th-century Gothic architecture of the Cologne Cathedral, 

 spotted 30+ medieval castles along the spectacular 80-mile river gorge,

and delighted in the brush strokes of such artistic giants as Rembrandt, Vermeer and Van Gogh,

while intermittently feasting on French pastries and warm German “apfelstrudel”with vanilla sauce. (#happyhusbandesserts)

But during our three days in Amsterdam and our week down the Rhine River, the most beautiful sight–which literally brought tears to my eyes– was not a wonder of nature nor a human masterpiece. It was the memory of a person.

Corrie Ten Boom.

If you’re already familiar with the Dutch woman known mainly from The Hiding Place book and movie, I don’t really have to explain why it was such a thrill to stand on the same floors she walked more than 70 years ago.  Tears filled my eyes as I stared into the actual hiding place where Jews and members of the Dutch resistance were safely tucked away from the Nazis (left photo).  Let me share a little of that story from the website for the Ten Boom Museum shown below:

During the Second World War, the Ten Boom home (above the family jewelry business) became a refuge, a hiding place, for fugitives and those hunted by the Nazis. By protecting these people, Casper and his daughters, Betsie and Corrie, risked their lives. This non-violent resistance against the Nazi-oppressors was the Ten Boom’s way of living out their Christian faith. 

During 1943 and into 1944, there were usually 5-6 people illegally living in the Ten Boom home: some of whom were Jews and others members of the Dutch underground. Additional refugees would stay with the Ten Booms for a few hours or a few days until another ‘safe house’ could be located for them.

Through these activities, the Ten Boom Family and their many friends and co-workers of ‘the BeJe group’ saved the lives of an estimated 800 Jews and other refugees.

On February 28, 1944, the Ten Boom Family was betrayed and the Sicherheitsdienst (Security Service) of the Nazis raided their home. That day, more than 30 people were arrested, among whom were father Casper and Betsie and Corrie, his two daughters that were living at home. Corrie’s brother Willem, sister Nollie and nephew Peter were at the house that day and were also taken to prison.

Although the Sicherheitsdienst arrested many visitors, they could not find who they were really after. Safely hidden behind a false wall in Corrie’s bedroom (entrance was through a removable bottom shelf) were two Jewish men, two Jewish women and two members of the Dutch underground. Although the house remained under guard by the Sicherheitsdienst, members of a local police resistance group were able, by cunnings means, to liberate the refugees from the ‘hiding place’ 47 hours later. The four Jews were taken to new ‘safe house’, and three survived the war. One of the underground workers was killed during the war years, but the other survived.  (The photo shows how narrow the hiding place was and wall stencils illustrate how six people stood inside for two days.)

Ten days after his arrest, father Casper died in Scheveningen Prison. Betsie and Corrie also spent some time in that same prison. From there, they were transported to camp Vucht and then to the notorious Ravensbrück Concentration Camp in Germany.

Life at Ravensbrück was almost unbearable, but Betsie and Corrie spent their time sharing Jesus’ love with their fellow prisoners. Many women became Christians in that terrible place becauce of Betsie and Corrie’s witness to them. Betsie died at Ravensbrück (age 59) but Corrie miraculously survived.

Corrie ten BoomAfter her release from Ravensbrück Concentration Camp (age 53) Corrie travelled all around the world to tell everyone that “there no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still” and that “God will give us the love to be able to forgive our enemies.” In more than 30 years, Corrie visited over 60 countries to testify to God’s love an to encourage people with the message that “Jesus is Victor.” On April 15th, 1983, on her 91st birthday, this remarkable woman died in Orange, California.

I cannot wait to meet this amazing woman in Heaven one day. I pray her story encourages you to believe that God’s love can reach into your or your loved one’s deep pit and to trust Him to be your safe hiding place.

You are my hiding place and my shield. I wait for your word. Psalm 119:114

For you are my hiding place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory. Psalm 32:7

He has hidden me in the shadow of His hand. Isaiah 49:2

(To read more about the Corrie Ten Boom Museum, go to https://www.corrietenboom.com/en/home. Her author page on Amazon.com lists her many books.)

(If the music video below doesn’t automatically load, click on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzqpkMJxyss)

 

 

May 02

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it”–Gibran

 

I love to play FreeCell Solitaire on my laptop. I tell myself that I play to keep my mind keen as I age and that all the strategizing sharpens my mental skills. But I think the real reason I’m continually drawn to this card game is because I can control it.  Image result

Every single game of FreeCell is winnable and if I find my strategy isn’t working or I don’t have any more legal moves, I simply hit CRTL-Z.  I “undo” my past turns and make other choices until once again I emerge a winner (current win streak is 779).

You know what CTRL stands for, right? CONTROL! Yep, that’s why I love the game. I’m in control and if the game gets out-of-control and I might lose, I simply take control a new way and make everything turn out the way I always wanted it to. It’s the perfect game for a perfectionist like me who loves to be in control and who hates to lose!

 Don’t you wish life had a CTRL-Z button? You could hit it and go back and change a behavior that put you or your loved one at-risk for your particular diagnosis. Or you could tap it and head to the doctor sooner for medical tests. Or you could strike those two keys and find a way to stop the very first cells from dividing so rapidly and becoming cancerous.  Or at the very least you could type that command and undo all the treatment side effects. Somehow, some way, you could control a situation until everything turned out just the way you wanted.

Mary, a member of my morning cancer support group, vividly recalls the out-of-control feeling brought on by her diagnosis of non-small cell lung cancer, just 19 months after she was widowed. Mary Lou Myers Frazer's Profile Photo, Image may contain: 5 people, people smiling

“My husband was gone; I retired Feb. 3 and got diagnosed Feb. 27,” she says. “It was the one-two punch. The shock just hit me and I was ready to die.”

Not only did Mary feel out-of-control, but the cancer looked out-of-control, as it already had spread to her liver and bones.

However, within a few months of starting chemo and radiation, scans showed the disease was responding. The liver spots disappeared, the bone lesions stabilized and the lung tumor shrunk by half. As I write this, she has been a survivor for more than six years.

“I could just squeal, I’m so happy,” she exclaims. “I’m so grateful to God every day.”

Despite her good quality of life, Mary still lives under the shadow of an incurable cancer as she wonders what the future holds for her.

“I have my moments when it’s hard,” she acknowledges. “But my peace comes from knowing God has a plan and He’s way smarter than I am. If I don’t understand it now, I will later.

“We all pray that we get our own way and we think we know what’s best, but He is the one who does,” Mary says. “I know that’s easy to say, but it’s not always so easy to do.

“I find myself asking God: ‘Could I just have a little control? I want your will, but could I have just a little of mine?’” she adds with a laugh.

I really appreciate Mary’s honesty and the fact she recognizes the humor in desiring God’s will, but on her own terms.

If like Mary and me, your anxiety comes not from just thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it, I have some good advice for us from Proverbs 3:5-6:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes.”

Or as the Message Bible paraphrases it:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.

Quit searching for life’s CRTL-Z button and stop pretending you can be in charge of it all.

Go ahead and give up the control-stick and declare with the psalmist “my future is in Your hands.” (Psalm 31:15)

But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. Romans 8:6

Adapted from Peace in the Face of Cancer, copyright 2017 by Lynn Eib
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
(If the music video below doesn’t automatically load, click on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVMU-viTHIw )

I couldn’t decide which song to use, so here’s another one! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6Eiv1r5UnE )

 

Apr 25

Do you need a vacation from illness?

 

Ever feel like you need a vacation from cancer, dementia, ALS, heart disease or whatever health trial you’re facing?

You probably do—at least a mental one and maybe a physical one as well.

Believe it or not the chemo room at Dr. Marc Hirsh’s office, where I worked as a patient advocate for nearly 20 years, became a mini-vacation from cancer for patients when we threw elaborate parties for two days near Halloween. 

One year it was a Sesame Street theme and I obliged as Miss Piggy (For the record, I “porked up” with eight pairs of rolled up socks under my skirt and down my blouse!)

Another year we dressed  up as  the Wizard of Oz with the good and bad witches giving chemo. I covered my whole yellow-clad body with a long piece of yellow shelf paper outlined in brick shapes.  “Follow the yellow brick road!” I announced in my best Munchkin voice as I led patients back to the chemo room.

You’ve probably heard of the non-profit organization Make-a-Wish which grants wishes for children facing a life-threatening illness—often a trip to Disney World or a chance to meet a famous athlete or movie star.  But did you know there are groups which offer free wishes for adults with cancer and other life-threatening illnesses?

When I worked as an advocate I helped several people get free dream wishes. A young mom went to Disney with her husband and 4-year-old. Another family got a free week’s vacation at a beautiful Delaware beach home and a mother of four, who had just finished treatment got a much-needed holiday in Myrtle Beach.

If you Google “adult cancer patient wishes” a slew of them come up. The rules are different for each wish—some are only available to certain ages or specific kinds of cancer, while others include any life-threatening illness. Some are based on financial need—like if you can’t afford a vacation yourself.

There are dream wishes for everything from fly-fishing excursions to free house cleaning. Normally you can only have one wish granted, so choose wisely before applying. Ask a nurse/patient navigator or a hospital social worker to help you with the paperwork because usually you can’t nominate yourself. If you don’t have the energy to apply, but need a dream vacation, ask a trusted friend or family member to take the lead and make it happen. I’m sure someone would be thrilled to have a specific way to lighten your load.

My friend Barb Titanish and her wonderful organization H.O.P.E., which ministers to hundreds of cancer Hopelinepatients and their families is actually in the process of creating a retreat in southcentral Pennsylvania where folks can have a vacation from cancer. Plans call for the 49-acre donated site to have a fully staffed main house with four to six family suites, catered dining facilities, a fishing pond, greenhouse, hair salon, serenity garden, and playground including a handicapped accessible treehouse. Folks can come for the day or the week.

“Whether you are just diagnosed or starting a new treatment or at the end of life, you need to give yourself a break,” says Barb.  (You can follow the project’s progress at www.hopeforcancerfamilies.org)

You also can create a mini-vacation from your illness right in your own home or town. Declare every first Friday of the month to be “Cancer-Free Friday” where you only watch funny movies and no one is allowed to mention the “C” word. Or ask a friend to plan an outing for the day—a scenic ride and a picnic, a mani-pedi and a tea room, or an afternoon hitting golf balls and eating BBQ. Ask yourself what would help your mind/your body/your spirit to take a vacation from illness. Pray about it and ask God how you or someone you know can make it happen. People cannot read your mind so let those who have asked to help you know what you really need.

You deserve a break today…and I’m not thinking McDonald’s.

I am sick at heart.
How long, O Lord, until you restore me? Psalm 6:3

When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings. Psalm 84:6

Adapted from Peace in the Face of Cancer, copyright 2017 by Lynn Eib
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(If the music video below doesn’t automatically load, click on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9zEgRsorZ4 )

Apr 18

Who’s taking care of YOU?

 

Do you know what to do if you’re on an airplane and there’s a sudden loss of cabin pressure? Scream? Pray? Scream prayers? All good suggestions, but if you had paid attention to the flight attendant before takeoff, you would know to “secure your own oxygen mask first before you help others.” Related image

If you are a caregiver—either as a volunteer or professionally—for someone facing a serious illness, my guess is that you probably could do a better job of taking care of yourself. Putting on your own oxygen mask first, if you will. And if you’re the patient and not the caregiver, my guess is that you probably could do a better job of understanding what caregivers do and feel.

Thankfully, I’ve never been on a plane which experienced a sudden loss in cabin pressure, but hearing a diagnosis of cancer or some other life-threatening illness certainly has a way of making you feel faint. And the weeks, months or even years of caregiving which follow can leave anyone weary.

So I chatted with my friend Cynthia about the crucial but exhausting role of caregiver because: 1.) She’s been doing it for a really long time and 2.) She’s written a really helpful book on the subject called Cancer Journey: A Caregiver’s View from the Passenger Seat.

Cynthia says her role as caregiver to husband Jim has endured much shifting throughout his 15-year journey with non-small cell lung cancer. Cynthia Zahm Siegfried's Profile Photo, Image may contain: Jim Siegfried and Cynthia Zahm Siegfried, people smiling, eyeglasses

“I had a hard time initially getting him to be honest and express his needs…,” she explains. “He would try to make light of his symptoms or…minimize them when we talked to the doctor.

“I finally convinced him that wasn’t helping him or me,” she adds.

Because Cynthia has been a caregiver for so long—through nine lung cancer recurrences, one go-round with prostate cancer, multiple surgeries and countless treatments—I asked her how she finds the physical and emotional energy she needs to care for Jim.

“Find a support group and it’s better to be in one just for caregivers if you can,” she says. “Then you can really express yourself instead of both trying to protect each other.

“That first year (after diagnosis) I didn’t really do a good job of taking care of myself.” Cynthia admits.

But in the intervening years, she says she has tried to play tennis or do Pilates/yoga a couple times a week. She also joined a community singing group which always lifts her spirits, and together she and Jim find stress relief by watching comedies and reading humorous books.

I’ve been a caregiver for family members—either unwell physically or mentally—for most of the past three decades. I’ve had a relative with dementia living in our home for years and I’ve made bi-weekly seven-hour car trips for months to be with a relative undergoing chemo. I’ve been so physically fatigued I had to literally crawl up the second-floor stairs and I’ve been so emotionally exhausted I’ve spent hundreds of dollars so I could pour out my woes to a counselor.

Being a caregiver is incredibly hard. I get it.

Image result for love your neighbor as yourself

But I also know we make the job even more difficult when we fail to take good care of ourselves. Do you know what Jesus said the two most important commandments are? First, “Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength” and second “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Don’t miss those last two words: “as yourself.” It doesn’t just say to “love your neighbor.” It says we need to love ourselves. In fact, we can’t really love other people if we don’t love ourselves.

It is not selfish of you to do something refreshing, rejuvenating or relaxing for yourself. You cannot “fill up” your loved one when you both are running on fumes. Somebody is going to stall and get rear-ended.

The most loving thing you may do for your loved one today is to be good to yourself. If you can’t leave your family member alone, this is the time to call in one of those offers of help that others have made.  Watch a funny movie, enjoy a massage, go fishing, get a pedicure, take a walk, hit a bucket of balls, or catch a nap. Do something to lift your spirits so afterward you can once again lift someone else’s.

Adapted from Peace in the Face of Cancer, copyright 2017 by Lynn Eib
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(If the music video doesn’t automatically load below, click on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM