Category: caregivers

May 26

How to Love Yourself as Your Neighbor

For most of the past four decades I’ve been a caregiver for family members who were either physically or mentally unwell. I’ve had a relative with dementia living in our home for years, and I’ve made biweekly seven-hour car trips for months to be with another one undergoing chemo. I’ve been so physically fatigued I had to literally crawl up the stairs, and I’ve been so emotionally drained I’ve spent hundreds of dollars to pour out my woes to a counselor.

I’ve nursed my wonderful husband through replacements of three knees (yes, three!) and two shoulders. Thankfully, he is progressing well after his most recent bionic joint and now can drive, dress himself and even comb the back of his hair with his left hand!

Caregiving is incredibly hard. I get it.

But I also know we make helping others even harder when we fail to take good care of ourselves. Even if you’re not a caregiver, you probably have many people in your life counting on your aid. So don’t forget one of the two most important commandments:  “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:36-39).

Don’t miss those last two words: “as yourself.” The Bible doesn’t just say to “love your neighbor”–it says that loving them starts with loving ourselves.

It is not selfish to do something refreshing, rejuvenating, or relaxing for yourself.  Your “emotional tank” doesn’t come with a loud, flashing warning when it’s getting low. Instead, you have to pay attention to the telltale signs in your life.

Credit Unsplash

And when that figurative tank does need refilling, I recommend three sources of emotional replenishment: From yourself, from others, and supernaturally from God.

  • Make your own deposits by finding ways to “be good to yourself.” Watch a funny movie, enjoy a massage, go fishing, get a pedicure, take a walk, hit a bucket of balls, or catch a nap. What rejuvenates me may not do the same for you, but you can figure out what makes you feel better. (Don’t settle for the temporary fixes of alcohol or drugs because they will quickly drain your peace as soon as they wear off.) If you can’t leave your family member alone, this is the time to call in one of those offers of help others have made. Do something to lift your spirits so afterward you can once again lift someone else’s.
  • Ask your friends and family to do things for you and with you that will enrich your emotional well-being. People cannot read your mind, so clearly tell them a specific way to make a deposit in your tank. If you don’t think you have friends who can improve your life, then ask God to provide the needed person. The Apostle Paul described how God once sent someone to encourage him at just the right time.

When we arrived in Macedonia, there was no rest for us.
We faced conflict from every direction,
with battles on the outside and fear on the inside.
But God, who encourages those who are discouraged,
encouraged us by the arrival of Titus. His presence was a joy.
2 Corinthians 7:5-7

  • And  finally, spend time with God, asking Him to pour into you His supernatural hope, love, strength, and, yes, even peace as you take care of someone else.

The LORD gives his people strength.
The LORD blesses them with peace. Psalm 29:11

The most loving thing you may do for your loved one today is to be good to yourself. Love yourself so you can truly love your “neighbor.”

Adapted from Peace in the Face of Cancer ©Lynn Eib 2017
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Make sure to open in your browser to hear the music video “Rest for Your Soul” by Austin French.

Apr 28

Waiting for something?

Ring the bells again!

The last time I set these bells on the arm of my husband’s La-Z-Boy recliner was January 2017 after his bilateral knee replacement. Well, today he gets a shoulder replaced. So once again I want him to be able to summon me day and night–hence TWO bells. The smaller one is for routine needs and the larger bell for more urgent requests.

When I posted a similar bell photo four years ago, there was much concern among readers that I might not hear these bells, so just to ease everyone’s minds, for this rehab I have added two maracas–he can shake one for routine desires and both for bigger needs. The shaking can double as therapy too. (I guess you can tell this is not my first rodeo!) Today’s surgery brings the replacement tally to two shoulders and three knees (if you count the one that got infected and had to be re-replaced!)

And it also ushers in the waiting.

Me, dropping my partner of 47 years at the surgicenter entrance and heading home to wait because of COVID-19 protocols. Me, with my cell phone in my pocket waiting for the surgeon to inform me that the procedure is finished. Me, waiting for my husband to emerge from anesthesia fog and FaceTime with me tonight. Me, waiting tomorrow for the word from a nurse than I can  bring my bionic guy home.

And then more waiting. For muscles and nerves to heal from surgery trauma. For range of motion to improve. For strength to return. For life to feel normal again.

For what are you waiting these days?

For your body to heal?

For your marriage to be revived?

For the pain to subside?

For a loved one to trust in Jesus?

For wisdom to deal with a rude co-worker?

For patience in finding a new job?

I’m pretty sure there’s some prayer of longing on your heart today. And I’m also willing to bet that like me, you’re not a fan of the waiting. When I’m waiting, my mind often travels to not-so-good places. I begin to doubt, then worry and sometimes even fear.

The Bible is full of stories about waiting as God doesn’t seem averse to letting people wait for His promises. Scripture tells of God-loving people waiting… waiting in the desert,  waiting in the belly of a large fish,  waiting for a child, waiting for a prodigal, waiting in prison,  waiting for healing,  waiting for a Messiah. The Psalms are full of their heart cries for deliverance.

So as I wait, I choose to fix my wandering mind on their prayers.

Wait patiently for the Lord.
    Be brave and courageous.
    Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
and in His word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5

Image from LifeHopeandTruth.com

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in Him. Psalm 62:5

We wait in hope for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in His holy name,
May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,
even as we put our hope in You. Psalm 33:20-22

My friend, I’m waiting in expectant hope with you for God’s answer to your prayers. I know He will be faithful.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
P.S. Yesterday as I was writing this blog, my husband walked by the living room and noticed the bells were out. I explained how I had included two maracas for his added ability to summon me, but I must say, for some reason he did not seem impressed! :-)+++++++++++++
Be sure to open in your browser to hear the music video “The Waiting” by Jamie Grace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mar 03

Who or What are You Missing Today?

 

My parents’ 50th anniversary in 2002

My Dad would have turned 96 today if he hadn’t passed away in 2011. I can still recall my last phone conversation with him after the hospice nurse called to say his time was short. We lived several hours away and even though we left as soon as we could, we did not get there in time.

Meanwhile, my Mother–recovering from cancer surgery in an out-of-town hospital–was transported by ambulance back to their assisted living facility, but also arrived too late. Exactly three years and three weeks later, she died too.

Many years have passed, but I still miss them terribly.  And deep down, we’re all grieving some kind of loss aren’t we? Whether it’s been days or decades since we got the bad news, we all mourn something ripped from our grasp: health, marriage, finances, friendship, dreams, and so much more.

Whatever you’ve lost, I pray that my friend David’s story will encourage your weary heart today–or perhaps you’ll share it with someone else who needs uplifting.

David[1]has faced the incomprehensible twice with his family. The first time was when his youngest son Kevin died of AIDS. The second was a few years later when his middle son Alan committed suicide.

“These past months have been like a dream gone bad,” David says. “My feelings have ranged from shock and disbelief to pain, anger and guilt.”

David, a man of great faith who is a respected Bible teacher, is at a loss to understand how and why 49-year-old Alan could do the unthinkable, leaving behind his wife and three children.

Image by Liz Masoner from Pixabay

“Alan was a handsome, intelligent, free-spirited, fun-loving guy; a prankster with an extraordinary sense of humor who could make even the most orthodox double over in laughter in a heartbeat,” David says. “Alan was high voltage, fearless and loved living life on the edge. He was into dirt bikes, hunting, catching rattlesnakes and sky-diving.”

But in recent years Alan became addicted to prescription painkillers from several injuries and surgeries, David says. And on a cold winter day he left his Michigan home in deep despair and disappeared into some nearby woods where he took his own life.

The days since Alan’s death “have been most challenging to say the least,” David says. “Sudden waves of grief come rushing in from out of nowhere, twisting our souls with all kinds of emotional contortions,” David says.

And yet even as their world has been terribly shaken again, David and his wife are finding God’s supernatural strength is seeing them through.

“When we find ourselves in the deepest of despair, still underneath us are His everlasting arms,” David explains. “As believers we are not immune to the tragedies of life—even when everything around us seems to collapse, we never can be brought so low as to be beyond the reach of the Father’s everlasting arms.”

The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27

My friend, whatever loss you are grieving today–please remember you never can be brought so low as to be beyond the reach of the Father’s everlasting arms.  Let Him safely hold you today.

Excerpted from When GOD & Grief Meet © 2009 by Lynn Eib.
[1] Names and a few details of David’s story have been changed to protect his family’s privacy. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Open in your browser to hear the music video “All Who are Thirsty” Copyright Vineyard Worship featuring Benton Brown.

Jan 08

How’s your heart in this New Year?

 

Here’s what I know about the New Year ….

If your heart is beating, you have a purpose. It doesn’t matter if it’s a broken heart, grieving heart, sad heart, lonely heart, full heart…any kind of heart. If it’s beating, God has a plan for you and a purpose for each and every beat. Friend, your beating heart matters.

 

This is an ECMO machine that helped my sweet friend’s heart. ECMO stands for extracorporeal membrane oxygenation and is a lifesaving therapy which adds oxygen to the blood and pumps it throughout the patient like a heart normally would. This process takes place outside the body and lets the lungs and heart rest temporarily and have time to heal. I treasure this picture because it is a visual reminder that sometimes our hearts have seasons where they need help to beat. Moments to rest. Time to heal.

 

 

You are still here, you are still alive, your beating heart and your every breath still matter. So take on this next year with confidence and grace. Nothing is too broken for God to fix. You may be the one who needs “outside” help for your heart. Or perhaps you are the one God wants to use to give a hurting person time to rest and heal. Allow others to help and help others. Love deeply. Seek Jesus because as the song below says, every beat of your heart is calling out His Name.

I will give them a heart to know Me, for I am the LORD; and they will be My people, and I will be their God, for they will return to Me with their whole heart. Jeremiah 24:7 NASB

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. Ezekiel36:26 NLT

P.S. Many thanks to my friend Joanna Dennstaedt who originally wrote this wonderful post and allowed me to tweak and expand a little upon it for this blog. Joanna is a 5-year survivor of stage 3 melanoma and founder of the nonprofit ministry Radiant Hope, which offers support/comfort/inspiration to cancer patients (including giving them a free copy of my book 50 Days of Hope!) You can connect with this beautiful lady at https://www.joannadennstaedt.com/?fbclid=IwAR3ISWHRUo0eFf9GQScAqUbWKEaVsRftys41lz3ift_JKAKGdypM1ceqWzc

Be sure to open in your browser to hear  the music video “Every Beat” by North Point InsideOut.

Aug 14

How God Transformed a Valley of Trouble into a Gateway of Hope

As I was reading in the book of Hosea about how God promised to “transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope,” I couldn’t help but think of my friend Lauren.

His cancer journey has been an incredible roller coaster with hopes dashed one minute and unexpected new hopes found the next.

I hope the valley of trouble that you or your loved one faces is a lot smoother ride than Lauren’s, but just in case you hit a bunch of bends in the road, I thought you’d like to hear his hope-filled story.

It all started in December of 2006 when Lauren, then 54, was diagnosed with a rare mantle cell non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He began a course of chemo at nearby Hershey Medical Center, but never really got a good remission and restarted more treatment in July of 2008 after more tumors developed.

In November of that year, he walked his only daughter down the aisle (and unlike his wife, didn’t have to worry about how his hair looked that day!) A couple weeks later he headed back to Hershey for a stem cell transplant, because he still had a lot of active disease.

The transplant involved Lauren receiving an intravenous lethal dose of chemo and then being “rescued” from death with a transfusion of an anonymous donor’s healthy stem cells.

Lauren survived the transplant, but some of the cancer also survived and started growing. The doctors tried a couple of new chemos, which didn’t work and then some radiation, which also failed to stop the tumors growing on his arm.

“Many times I was about to throw in the towel, but my wife kept telling me ‘Don’t give up’!” Lauren recalls. “ When my faith was weak, the faith of others helped hold me up.”

Finally in October 2009, the Hershey doctor said there was one more hope: a donor lymphocyte infusion. (Don’t feel bad if you’ve never heard of it—Lauren hadn’t either.) Basically, it involved putting some of the donor’s white blood cells (lymphocytes) into him to see if they could recognize and destroy the cancer cells.

Lauren was the first to know the procedure was working.

“Within a week I could see the shrinkage in the tumors on my arm,” he recalls.

A second dose was given and the tumors disappeared. Nearly a decade later, Lauren and Joan have welcomed several  grandchildren into their family and he continues to get clean bills of health from Hershey.

 

A few years ago, Lauren and his wife traveled West and stopped in Death Valley.

“I kept thinking about the verse in Psalm 23:
‘Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me’,” recalls Lauren. “I knew I had come through that valley and He was with me.”

As Lauren and I talked on the phone about this day’s writing, he told me he was looking at his favorite picture in his home. It’s a poster of a craggy mountaintop with this inscription underneath: “It’s not the greatness of my faith that moves mountains, but my faith in the greatness of God.”

Don’t worry, my friend, today if your faith is not that big. Just be sure to put it all in a very big God.

I will…transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. Hosea 2:15
+++++++++++++++++
Excerpted from 50 Days of Hope, copyright 2012 by LYNN EIB