Category: caregivers

Dec 13

SIX THINGS ALWAYS TO SAY TO GRIEVERS

The holidays often are especially difficult for those who have lost a loved one.  How do we convey sympathy without saying something irritating or even downright painful? Have you ever felt helpless knowing what to say when someone has experienced a deep loss?

Here are my thoughts on SIX THINGS ALWAYS TO SAY TO GRIEVERS.

  1. I’m so sorry.
    It may not feel as if you’re saying much, but honestly, there are no words you can utter to take away grief. We comfort much better when we give up trying to say something to “fix” the sad situation–it can’t be done. Let your hug, your handshake, your tears convey that you are sharing in your friend’s sorrow. The best comforters simply feel another’s pain; they don’t try to explain it.
  2. Would it be helpful if I ________________________________?
    Fill in the blank with something practical: Brought a meal? Picked up your kids for a play date? Mowed your lawn? Helped you sort through paperwork? Took you out for coffee? Or whatever creative suggestion you think of–and then pick a date to do it. Concrete offers with a definite timetable are much more valuable than “Let me know if you need anything.” Grievers feel overwhelmed and don’t want to call people to ask them for a favor.
    If you know your friend’s “love language” (http://5lovelanguages.com), you can choose a sympathy expression accordingly. When my physical-touch-friend’s father died, I gave her a gift certificate for a therapeutic massage. My gifts-friend got a big bouquet of wildflowers (after the funeral bouquets had died.) When my Dad passed away in 2011, my friend Karen knew my primary love language is quality time, so she planned a “Pamper Lynn Day’ with manicures, browsing antique shops, eating Thai food and talking about parents. It was such an emotionally refreshing day, we created “Pamper Lynn AND Karen Day” and recently celebrated our 12th annual!
  3. A great memory I have of him/her is _______________________.
    Image courtesy Sandy Millar at Unsplash

    Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

    Mourners want to talk about their loved one and hear others speak of ways that person touched their life. I often wait a few weeks to send a sympathy card so I have plenty of time to write a meaningful note of memories. (And also because grievers are inundated with “sympathy” immediately after the death. Then everyone’s life goes back to normal, but the griever’s never will.) Don’t be afraid to say the deceased person’s name.Yes, it may bring tears to their eyes, but their fear a loved one will be forgotten is even sadder.

  4. Is there an especially difficult time of the day/week when I could pray for you?
    When I asked members of my Grief Prayer Support Group this question concerning the hardest time of day, their responses varied. Many said they dreaded too-quiet evenings without their spouse. Some hated mornings with no child to wake up for school. Still others trudged through Sunday afternoons because that was then they always visited their parent. Discover your grieving friend’s difficult time and promise to pray for them at that time—you could even text to let them know you’re praying, or send a short prayer to them.
  5. If you would like to attend a grief support group, I’ll go with you.
    It’s hard to walk into a roomful of grievers, but so much easier with a friend by your side. Many churches hold 13-week Grief Share programs (www.griefshare.org). Stephen Ministries, funeral homes and hospice organizations often offer bereavement support. I’ve compiled a list of grief care organizations and resources in the back of my book When God & Grief Meet http ://lynneib.com/index.php/my-books/#anchor5.
  6. I care…and I’m here.
    Your presence speaks much louder than your words. If at all possible, be present physically. Otherwise, “show up” in phone calls, texts, cards or whatever means you have for connecting. You can be the kind of friend Aaron and Hur were for Moses in Exodus 17.  Moses held high the staff of God for Joshua and the Israelite army because whenever he lowered it, the enemy prevailed. But “Moses’ arms became so tired, he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands.”

Grieving is exhausting work. Ask God to help you find a sitting “stone” for your mourning friend and then show you how to hold up his/her weary arms.

For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. Isaiah 49:3

LifeHopeandTruth.com

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I hope you are blessed by the music video “Cry Out to Jesus” by Third Day.

 

Oct 25

Are you a Titus? Or do you need one?

I remember so well the first cancer support group meeting I attended at our community  hospital. It was the summer of 1990.

Fall 1990 reporting on a P. Buckley Moss art show

I was a 36-year-old reporter for a York, PA, newspaper and recently had interviewed Mary Flinner, the new group’s facilitator. When I showed up at a support group meeting a few weeks after my story was published, Mary naturally assumed I was visiting the group as a follow-up to my article.

“How sweet that you would come to our meeting,” she said with a big smile.

“Actually, I was diagnosed with colon cancer last month,” I told her as her jaw dropped.

It was an incredible irony.

I remember that I had to talk myself into attending that meeting because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to be with a bunch of cancer patients. As introductions were made around the table, I happened to be the most newly diagnosed and the last to introduce myself.

I burst into tears before I could even get out my name.

I felt really silly for falling apart like that, but I had been trying to hold it together in front of everyone else for so long that it seemed good to let down my feelings with others who had “been there, done that.”

Daytime Cancer Prayer Support meeting

Before I retired as a patient advocate, I constantly invited cancer patients and their caregivers to my support group meetings, but often people told me: “I’m not really that depressed that I need to come.”

To which I replied, “Great! I need people there who aren’t depressed to support those who are!”

 

What life difficulty are you facing or has God already brought you through? Divorce? Addiction? Cancer? Special needs parenting? Relatives with dementia? Abuse? Job loss? Infertility? Grief?

The list of life’s trials is endless…and so is the grace of God to see us through.

“God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.
When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Courtesy MorningbirdPhoto

Don’t waste the pain you’ve encountered by failing to share your experiences with others. The troubles you’ve faced with God’s strength will be a comfort to those facing the same kinds of circumstances.

When the Apostle Paul was down and out, God sent his friend Titus at just the right time to him.

“When we arrived in Macedonia, there was no rest for us. We faced conflict from every direction,
with battles on the outside and fear on the inside.
But God, who encourages those who are discouraged,
encouraged us by the arrival of Titus. His presence was a joy.”
2 Corinthians 7:5, 6

I think each day that you and I fit into one of two categories: someone who needs to be encouraged or someone who needs to be an encourager. Which are you today? If it’s the former, ask God to send a “Titus” your way and if it’s the latter, ask God to show you who might need you to step in and be their “Titus.”

 I pray that we each see one another–family, friends and even strangers–through the eyes of God.  As the beautiful Brandon Heath song below says“give me Your eyes for just one second.”

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May 17

The Power of “Even If”

This past weekend my husband and I traveled to western New York for my first in-person speaking engagements since the pandemic began. (I’ve only been doing Zoom events so it was a little more work figuring out what pair of nice pants to wear 🙂 )

Ralph’s ordination 1975

While in the area, we had the joy of worshipping with the little Baptist church where Ralph was ordained and first pastored.

I was only 21 when we moved to Franklinville and the wonderful church ladies taught me how to bake. Pie crusts made with an electric mixer. Apple pie served with a slice of NY State sharp cheddar. And pecan pie sweetened with locally made maple syrup.

On Sunday we visited with our very dear friend, Conrad (nicknamed “Toad”), who was the head of the pulpit committee which called us to that church in 1975. He’s still has his delightful sense of humor in spite of deep grief over the recent loss of Dot, his wife of 59 years, whom he lovingly cared for through many years of dementia.

Conrad & Dot at  grandson’s wedding 2018

We reminisced over lunch about the trials they had faced.

We remembered Dot’s frightening ectopic pregnancy and arrival at the ER with no vital signs . Miraculously, she survived.

“That was the greatest miracle I ever had, but why didn’t God heal her this time?” my friend asked.

We recalled the devastating car accident that took the life of his middle son, while his critically injured youngest boy miraculously recovered.

“Why didn’t Rick get spared, too?” Toad wondered aloud.

He knows there are no satisfying answers to his tough questions and I certainly didn’t attempt to provide any. Instead I affirmed him for continuing to love, trust, and serve God– even if His actions didn’t always make sense.

The prophet Daniel’s friends, Shadrach, Meschach,, and Abednego–ordered to be burned alive for refusing to worship the Babylonian king–understood the power of  “even if.”

“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18

The prophet Habakkuk also understood the power of those two small words.

“Even if  the fig tree does not blossom and there are no grapes on the vines,
If the olive trees fail to give fruit and the fields produce no food,
If the flocks die far from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls;
Then I will still rejoice in the Eternal! I will rejoice in the God who saves me!” Habakkuk 3:17-18

The theme of “even if” trust is a common one in scripture.

LifeHopeandTruth.com

Psalm 27:10 “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.”

1 Peter 3:14 “But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it.”

Philippians 2:17 “But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God…”

Psalm 139:11 “Even if I am afraid and think to myself, ‘There is no doubt the the darkness will swallow me,’…You can see in the dark, for it is not dark to Your eyes.”

And finally, this amazing promise from our Heavenly Father in Isaiah 54:10:

“Even if the mountains heave up from their anchors, and the hills quiver and shake,
I will not desert you. You can rely on My enduring love;
My covenant of peace will stand forever.”

Never doubt the power of “even if.”
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I love this song’s message SO much: “Even If” by Mercy Me–it’s only about 4 minutes long.

 

 

 

 

Dec 29

What We All Really Need

He likes sweet. I like salty.

He thrives on change. I seek routine.

He favors the East Coast. I prefer the West.

He is impulsive. I have to plan to be spontaneous.

But we do agree on this: We’re still very much in love.

Forty-eight years ago on this date we said “I do,” and like most starry-eyed twenty-somethings had no inkling what we were really signing up for. More than three decades of pastoral ministry, a serious cancer scare, three daughters, seven grandkids, a bunch of moves, and a too-long pandemic later, we now are smart enough to know how uncertain the future really is. And thankfully, we’ve learned to laugh about (most of the time!) and appreciate how opposite we are.

“attract-1” by daynoir is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Ever notice how often opposites do attract? Not just in marriage, but in friendships too. Some of my closest female friends are very different from me. But there’s one I call when I want to laugh. Another I reach out to if I’m discouraged. Still another I call when I need prayer.

I once heard the husband-wife author team of Gordon and Gail MacDonald say that we all need people different from us “to help us hear the full counsel of God.” And when we are going through weary times, I believe, we especially need to hear others speak God’s hope, peace and truth to us.

Author Chris Tiegreen says “one of the greatest things we can do for people in need of God is to be there–to be present, in the context of problems and pain, carrying the counsel and companionship of God wherever we can.”

I love that phrase: “the counsel and companionship of God.” That’s what my wonderful husband has offered me as he helps me see a situation from a different perspective or loves me when I’m not very lovable. It’s what my family and dearest friends continue to offer me in this crazy, messed-up world.

So what do you need today? Someone to be present in your weary life, giving you the counsel and companionship of God? If so, take heart that God will provide as He did for the Apostle Paul:

“But God, who encourages those who are discouraged,
encouraged us by the arrival of Titus.
His presence was a joy…” 2 Corinthians 7:6-7

Or do you need to be the presence in someone’s weary life, tendering God’s love to them?

Jesus explained this to His disciples in John 13:34.
“So I give you a new command:
Love each other deeply and fully.
Remember the ways that I have loved you,
and demonstrate your love for others in those same ways.” (The Voice Bible)

The presence–literally or figuratively–of another human being willing to be a conduit for God’s presence can change everything. I encourage you to pray that your weary heart will receive “the counsel and companionship of God” from someone who cares about you, or that you will offer those two gifts to a weary soul who really needs them.

(And please join me today in thanking God for my 48 years of love with my opposite.)
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Be sure to open in your browser to hear the music video “Weary Traveler” by Jordan St. Cyr

 

 

 

 

 

Jun 23

An Inspiring Story from an Unlikely Survivor

Today I’d like to introduce you to “Crash,” a red-tailed hawk, who had the misfortune of colliding with a car this spring in Mercer County, PA, and had to be extricated  from the front bumper. The good news is that Crash survived his ordeal, was rescued and then taken to a wildlife rehab center.

Photo courtesy Tamarack Wildlife Center

However, the accident gave the hawk a concussion and damaged his wing, rendering him unable to fly well enough for release (after completing his concussion protocol, I assume 🙂 ). Thankfully, the staff at Tamarack Wildlife Center, a nonprofit wildlife rehabilitation and public education facility in the northwest corner of the state, knew just what to do.

Using the ancient art of feather-mending called “imping,” they replaced Crash’s damaged feathers with strong ones from a deceased hawk. The procedure involves inserting an imping needle, (a thin piece of wire, bamboo or some other material) into the shaft of both the damaged and the healthy feathers. The replacement feather is secured in place with adhesive, such as a fast-drying epoxy. Eventually the replaced feathers will be shed when the bird molts and regrows new feathers.

Interns (l. to r.) Madison Story and Natalie Seburia, photo courtesy Tamarack Wildlife Center

But in the meantime, Crash can inspire us all as he flies on “borrowed wings.”

Is there someone you know who has a “broken wing” and needs some of your “strong feathers” while they heal? I’m willing to bet that your gift/ability/expertise/time is the perfect match to help heal someone who is broken physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually. Why not ask the Lord today how He wants to use you to keep a loved one flying on borrowed wings?

Perhaps it’s something as simple as a phone call to let them know you care or a card of encouragement dropped in the mail. Maybe your “donated feathers” are a delivered meal, a gift card to make life easier, or the offer to run a specific errand. Perhaps what your friend or family member needs most for their brokenness is your prayers–shared in person, typed in a text or simply whispered to God’s ears.

Photo by Melanie Tepper, courtesy of Tamarack Wildlife Center

And if  you  are the one feeling the damage of not being able to do what you used to, will you swallow your pride and accept an offer of “borrowed feathers?” If you truly don’t have any such offers, please ask Jehovah Jireh, the LORD who provides, to send someone to answer that prayer until you can fly again (or learn to deal with just hopping around!)

Psalm 91:4 proclaims this truth about our God:
He will cover you with His feathers.
He will shelter you with His wings.
His faithful promises are your shield and protection.

Psalm 36:7 adds:
How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings.

I love the prayer and plan of David, the anointed king of Israel, when he was being pursued by a powerful enemy:

Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy!
I look to you for protection.
I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until the danger passes by.
Psalm 57:1

How will you see God’s work in your life today? As the person  who provides borrowed wings? Or as the one who gratefully accepts them until the danger passes? Either way, you are in for a blessing, my friend.
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P.S. If you want to know the happy ending of Crash’s story, the hawk made a full recovery and last week was released into the wild flying high–as evidenced in the above photo of his maiden voyage on borrowed wings.  For more info about Tamarack Wildlife Rehab, see https://tamarackwildlife.org
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Be sure to open in your browser to hear the beautiful music video “Psalm 91” by New Creation Church.