Category: families

May 26

How to Love Yourself as Your Neighbor

For most of the past four decades I’ve been a caregiver for family members who were either physically or mentally unwell. I’ve had a relative with dementia living in our home for years, and I’ve made biweekly seven-hour car trips for months to be with another one undergoing chemo. I’ve been so physically fatigued I had to literally crawl up the stairs, and I’ve been so emotionally drained I’ve spent hundreds of dollars to pour out my woes to a counselor.

I’ve nursed my wonderful husband through replacements of three knees (yes, three!) and two shoulders. Thankfully, he is progressing well after his most recent bionic joint and now can drive, dress himself and even comb the back of his hair with his left hand!

Caregiving is incredibly hard. I get it.

But I also know we make helping others even harder when we fail to take good care of ourselves. Even if you’re not a caregiver, you probably have many people in your life counting on your aid. So don’t forget one of the two most important commandments:  “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:36-39).

Don’t miss those last two words: “as yourself.” The Bible doesn’t just say to “love your neighbor”–it says that loving them starts with loving ourselves.

It is not selfish to do something refreshing, rejuvenating, or relaxing for yourself.  Your “emotional tank” doesn’t come with a loud, flashing warning when it’s getting low. Instead, you have to pay attention to the telltale signs in your life.

Credit Unsplash

And when that figurative tank does need refilling, I recommend three sources of emotional replenishment: From yourself, from others, and supernaturally from God.

  • Make your own deposits by finding ways to “be good to yourself.” Watch a funny movie, enjoy a massage, go fishing, get a pedicure, take a walk, hit a bucket of balls, or catch a nap. What rejuvenates me may not do the same for you, but you can figure out what makes you feel better. (Don’t settle for the temporary fixes of alcohol or drugs because they will quickly drain your peace as soon as they wear off.) If you can’t leave your family member alone, this is the time to call in one of those offers of help others have made. Do something to lift your spirits so afterward you can once again lift someone else’s.
  • Ask your friends and family to do things for you and with you that will enrich your emotional well-being. People cannot read your mind, so clearly tell them a specific way to make a deposit in your tank. If you don’t think you have friends who can improve your life, then ask God to provide the needed person. The Apostle Paul described how God once sent someone to encourage him at just the right time.

When we arrived in Macedonia, there was no rest for us.
We faced conflict from every direction,
with battles on the outside and fear on the inside.
But God, who encourages those who are discouraged,
encouraged us by the arrival of Titus. His presence was a joy.
2 Corinthians 7:5-7

  • And  finally, spend time with God, asking Him to pour into you His supernatural hope, love, strength, and, yes, even peace as you take care of someone else.

The LORD gives his people strength.
The LORD blesses them with peace. Psalm 29:11

The most loving thing you may do for your loved one today is to be good to yourself. Love yourself so you can truly love your “neighbor.”

Adapted from Peace in the Face of Cancer ©Lynn Eib 2017
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Make sure to open in your browser to hear the music video “Rest for Your Soul” by Austin French.

May 12

Turning 70 and Celebrating One Year as a Survivor: My Oncologist Has Cancer (Part 6)

Today Dr. Marc Hirsh, my oncologist, my brother in faith and my dear friend, turns 70. I know others who have recently, or will soon, reach this milestone, but none I’m celebrating more than this guy.

An early celebration with staff and a chocolate cake.

That’s because shortly after his birthday last year, Marc was diagnosed with a rare atypical carcinoid tumor of the thymus gland. The 12cm mass behind his heart had caused inflammation of the heart lining, collapsed one lung, difficulty breathing, and terrible pain. It seemed there would be no more birthday celebrations for this man who had dedicated his life to trying to help cancer patients, including me, enjoy more time.

“When I was diagnosed, I honestly thought there was a good chance I was going to die soon,” Marc explained as we chatted on the phone this week. “Some of the doctors at (Johns) Hopkins and other places were pretty pessimistic too, but I’m still here.”

Marc will celebrate seven decades of living by going tent-camping for a few days with his younger daughter and his 7-year-old grandson.

“It is tiring, but I like it,” he explained. (His wife Elizabeth says she now prefers the comfort of her bed over a sleeping bag on the ground and only will be joining the trio during daytime!)

When I asked Marc if he also was celebrating one year as a cancer survivor, he quickly answered.

“Definitely. I’m grateful to feel as good as I do and to be able to do things a year later,” he said. In addition to multiple camping outings, he plans to kayak, paddle board and take out his pontoon boat soon.

However, like many cancer survivors he’s having to get used to a “new normal.”

“I’m adjusting to my new reality–without my practice and without Jake,”  Marc said. (His illness forced the immediate closure of his 31-year-old oncology-hematology practice in Hanover, PA, and a few months later, his beloved rescue dog, Jake–who went to the office with him every day– had to be put down.)

“I feel like in the past year I went from age 50 to age 70,” Marc explained. “I don’t have the strength and stamina I did before. I feel old and I never felt old–it’s something I don’t like.”

But Marc is thankful for some aspects of this new life.

“I’m getting to do a lot of things I enjoy, but never had time for,” he said. “I’m relearning a lot of classical (piano) music, reading a lot and doing sports with my grandson.”  (Before his two granddaughters returned to their West Coast home, they enjoyed music and science lessons with him, as well as some serious Lego building!)

“I’m adjusting to my new reality and I look forward to future events,” Marc said. “Elizabeth and I are really enjoying each other and I’m getting a lot of satisfaction from my marriage. I feel like I’m in a good place spiritually. I have good faith and I don’t have many moments of fear.”

And this birthday has been especially sweet because of all the cards he’s been receiving from friends, patients and colleagues.

“It’s crazy how many birthday cards I’ve gotten,” he said. “It’s really beautiful that so many people care about me. A lot have handwritten notes thanking me for things I’ve done. I’m really grateful and humbled by all of them.

LifeHopeandTruth.com

“I was flooded with cards when I was first diagnosed and to know that people still think about me a year later is really heartwarming,” he added.

When I asked Marc what was especially encouraging to him these days, he said “I seem to be feeling a deeper sense of God and love that is almost inexpressible. It seems to be welling up inside of me and I really feel more loving.”

Marc, here’s to many more birthdays filled with God’s love and ours for you, too.
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Don’t miss the music video below, “The Love of God”  by Marc and Elizabeth’s favorite Christian artist, Rich Mullins.

 

 

 

 

 

Mar 03

Who or What are You Missing Today?

 

My parents’ 50th anniversary in 2002

My Dad would have turned 96 today if he hadn’t passed away in 2011. I can still recall my last phone conversation with him after the hospice nurse called to say his time was short. We lived several hours away and even though we left as soon as we could, we did not get there in time.

Meanwhile, my Mother–recovering from cancer surgery in an out-of-town hospital–was transported by ambulance back to their assisted living facility, but also arrived too late. Exactly three years and three weeks later, she died too.

Many years have passed, but I still miss them terribly.  And deep down, we’re all grieving some kind of loss aren’t we? Whether it’s been days or decades since we got the bad news, we all mourn something ripped from our grasp: health, marriage, finances, friendship, dreams, and so much more.

Whatever you’ve lost, I pray that my friend David’s story will encourage your weary heart today–or perhaps you’ll share it with someone else who needs uplifting.

David[1]has faced the incomprehensible twice with his family. The first time was when his youngest son Kevin died of AIDS. The second was a few years later when his middle son Alan committed suicide.

“These past months have been like a dream gone bad,” David says. “My feelings have ranged from shock and disbelief to pain, anger and guilt.”

David, a man of great faith who is a respected Bible teacher, is at a loss to understand how and why 49-year-old Alan could do the unthinkable, leaving behind his wife and three children.

Image by Liz Masoner from Pixabay

“Alan was a handsome, intelligent, free-spirited, fun-loving guy; a prankster with an extraordinary sense of humor who could make even the most orthodox double over in laughter in a heartbeat,” David says. “Alan was high voltage, fearless and loved living life on the edge. He was into dirt bikes, hunting, catching rattlesnakes and sky-diving.”

But in recent years Alan became addicted to prescription painkillers from several injuries and surgeries, David says. And on a cold winter day he left his Michigan home in deep despair and disappeared into some nearby woods where he took his own life.

The days since Alan’s death “have been most challenging to say the least,” David says. “Sudden waves of grief come rushing in from out of nowhere, twisting our souls with all kinds of emotional contortions,” David says.

And yet even as their world has been terribly shaken again, David and his wife are finding God’s supernatural strength is seeing them through.

“When we find ourselves in the deepest of despair, still underneath us are His everlasting arms,” David explains. “As believers we are not immune to the tragedies of life—even when everything around us seems to collapse, we never can be brought so low as to be beyond the reach of the Father’s everlasting arms.”

The eternal God is your refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27

My friend, whatever loss you are grieving today–please remember you never can be brought so low as to be beyond the reach of the Father’s everlasting arms.  Let Him safely hold you today.

Excerpted from When GOD & Grief Meet © 2009 by Lynn Eib.
[1] Names and a few details of David’s story have been changed to protect his family’s privacy. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Open in your browser to hear the music video “All Who are Thirsty” Copyright Vineyard Worship featuring Benton Brown.

Jan 06

My New Year’s Prayer for You

 

When my granddaughter Abby was 3, she’s wasn’t the best sleeper.

She wasn’t the worst sleeper, but definitely not as good as her brothers, then ages 1 and 5. In  fact, she was quite the master of “stalling” at bedtime and “needing” things in the middle of the night. You may be  familiar with the universal  toddler “necessities” list: potty, drink, doll, stuffed animal, nightlight, book, blanket, socks etc.

But Abby upped this game to a new level, crying out in the wee hours of the morning, prompting Mommy to appear and ask the sensible question: “What do you need, Abby?” To which this adorable child would sweetly reply: “More Jesus.”

Check and checkmate–Abby wins hands down! I mean no matter what time it is and how tired you are, how does anyone say no to “more Jesus”?

In case you’re wondering what Abby specifically was requesting– it was for mommy to sing the bedtime ritual melody “Jesus Loves Me” one more time (with Abby often adding her tiny voice to the chorus).

Definitely a 3-year-old genius. I would want to give her “more Jesus” any time day or night.

So, Abby’s hard-to-deny request got me thinking: What do I want MORE of in 2021? (I can definitely think of some things I want LESS of–pounds, isolation, wrinkles, political unrest, just to name a few!) But what do I hope for MORE of?

Photo by Haut Risque on Unsplash

Certainly more good health for all of you fighting cancer and other serious or chronic illnesses. Definitely more comfort for those who are grieving the loss of loved ones. Clearly more love for families torn apart by the pain of addictions, divorce, and abuse. Undoubtedly more patience for all of us enduring this devastating pandemic. And absolutely more peace for this violent world.

But when it comes right down to it, I think I’ll simply pray that you and I have more Jesus this year. 

I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. —Ephesians 3:16-19

And when you can’t fall asleep or when you wake up in the middle of the night, perhaps you will choose to echo my little granddaughter’s request: More Jesus.

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Be sure to open in your browser to hear an old favorite of mine from Scott Wesley Brown “I Wish You Jesus.” Feel free to close your eyes and receive this as my New Year’s prayer for you.

Dec 02

“She stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her way—and surely it has not—she adjusted her sails.” –Elizabeth Edwards

 

I think it was quite an understatement when Elizabeth Edwards, wife of then-U.S. Senator and former Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards asserted that the wind had not blown her way.

Elizabeth’s firstborn was killed in a car accident at the age of 17. Later while she was fighting recurrent breast cancer, her husband had an affair resulting in an out-of-wedlock child. After six years of a very public battle with cancer, Elizabeth passed away in 2010 at the age of 61.

Definitely not the way anyone would choose the wind to blow.

My friend Jen has been learning to “adjust her sails” since a frightening storm crashed into her happy life July 23, 2012.

That’s the day the 32-year-old wife and mother of a 2 ½ -year-old was told she had stage 4 ovarian cancer and wouldn’t live past Christmas.

“Our lives were shaken with fear and disbelief over the crazy thought of dying,” Jen recalls.

Three weeks later she saw an oncologist who informed the young couple her diagnosis was not ovarian cancer, but GIST (Gastrointestinal Stromal Tumor), a rare tumor of the digestive tract.  At first Jen and husband Ryan were relieved, but quickly “were crushed” to find out there was no cure for GIST.

“I was told then that I would need to be on chemo for the rest of my life and would probably face upwards of ten surgeries during my lifetime,” Jen remembers.

“Never in a million years did I think this would be my journey,” says Jen, who now has been on targeted oral therapy for more than eight years and faced multiple recurrences, including one this March which necessitated a week-long hospital stay with no family allowed to visit.

“I’m not in denial over my health, but choose not to dwell on having an ‘incurable’ disease,” Jen explains.  ” I definitely think of living with cancer in light of eternity knowing that all of our time is limited on this earth.

“In a way the ‘cure’ is in what God gives me every day to make it through, and not in a textbook ‘cure’ of cancer being gone. I guess that’s the way I look at it,” she says. “I’m still exercising daily, running Addison (now 11) to dance, and doing all the normal things.”

“Living with cancer keeps me so close to God,” Jen adds. “I know that might sound terrible, but I’ve never been so close to God before in all my life and perhaps it’s because I now trust Him with everything.

“I have peace just knowing that God can heal me completely if and when He wants to,” she continues. “But it’s His plan and not mine … I choose to walk in God’s peace today.”

Choose to walk in God’s peace.

Would you dare to make that choice today? Will you ask God to show you how to adjust your sails to better face your unique storm? And will you trust that He will supernaturally empower you to adapt in ways that perhaps you never dreamed were possible?Jen has found peace in midst of a terrible storm—unimaginable peace considering her circumstances. And He wants to do the same for you—though it may not come as a one-time answer to a single prayer.

“I have to pray and put my life and Addison’s life and Ryan’s life in His hands every day,” explains Jen. “I’ve learned how to wait in the middle of the storm and to totally rely on Him in every area of my life.”

Sounds like a very good, daily adjustment.

(Based on an excerpt from Peace in the Face of Cancer copyright by Lynn Eib 2017.)

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Be sure to open this blog in your browser to hear the music video below “Peace in the Midst of the Storm by Beyond the Ashes.