Category: depression

Jul 25

Encouraging a Depressed Loved One

 

The word “encourage” means to inspire or fill someone with courage, spirit or hope. But how in the world do you encourage someone who is depressed?

To answer that difficult question, I’d like to share some thoughts from the book New Light on Depression by David Biebel, D.Min. and Harold Koenig, M.D.

“Family members, loved ones, and friends should encourage depressed persons—to get up in the morning, to go out to dinner, to go to a movie, to exercise with them, to do the things their depression is preventing them from enjoying, and to seek professional help if they are not doing so already. Once depressed people get out and start moving they often feel a lot better. Encouraging, however is not the same as forcing, manipulating, or cajoling, nor will arguing about it help much…Here, again, discernment is crucial so that your suggestions are made in the right way at the right time, to ensure the greatest likelihood that they will be accepted.

“One way to encourage a depressed friend to get out (and to get help) is to find a good depression support group and invite your loved one to attend it with you.” [1]

Biebel and Koenig identify “four helping patterns” they have seen Christians employ with their depressed family and friends-only one of which really helps. These are:

  1. Judging (“Your problem is caused by sin or lack of faith”)
  2. Giving advice (“Cheer up—things could be worse!”),i
  3. Identification (sympathizing so much that you get sucked into the pit of depression, too) and
  4. Empathy (suffering together with the person).

According to the authors “Only empathy really helps.” [2] Empathizers deeply feel the other person’s pain, without making it their own.

“The empathizer goes and gets a ladder, puts it in the pit, and climbs down to be with the depressed person until he or she is ready to climb out,” the authors say. “The key difference is that the empathizer has a goal in mind—not just to feel the depressed person’s pain, but to also act in a sense as a redeemer, willing to pay whatever cost there is in order for the other person to be healed…

“If you are really going to help your loved one through and beyond depression, the only way is to lay aside your rights, by choice, with the goal of serving that person’s best interests until he or she emerges into the light of day again.” [3]

Got a ladder? Put it down in your depressed loved one’s pit, climb down with them and pray for them until they can climb out.

Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck.
 Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold.
I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me.
I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched.
My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me… 
Answer my prayers, O Lord, for your unfailing love is wonderful.
Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful.
Don’t hide from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in deep trouble!
 Come and redeem me; free me from my enemies. Psalm 69:1-3, 16-18

O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health. Psalm 30:2

[1] David B. Biebel and Harold G. Koenig New Light on Depression: Help, Hope, and Answers for the Depressed and Those Who Love Them (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House), 2004, 233.
[2] Ibid, 246.
[3] Ibid, 248-249.

If the music video doesn’t automatically load, open in your browser or click here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0PCblOjOxg

May 23

“A mermaid has no tears, and that makes her suffer all the more.”–Hans Christian Andersen

 

One of the side effects of my chemo is that my right tear duct was irreparably scarred thereby making that eye “water” all the time. Because of this annoying condition, which often prompts total strangers to ask me if I’m OK when they see me “crying” in public places, I’m probably more fascinated with tears than the average person.

If you ever tasted a tear trickling down your face, then you know they are salty. But tears are much more

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than salty water. They’re actually a complex combination of proteins, enzymes, lipids, metabolites, and electrolytes. (I’m not sure what all those are either, but I know it’s more than just NaCl!)

We all have three different kinds of tears: normal tears that continuously keep our eyes lubricated; irritant tears that wash away foreign substances; and emotional tears we cry for reasons like sadness and pain. Scientists who study tears can look at these tiny drops of water and tell the difference between the first two types and the third kind, because emotional tears have much more protein and less oil.

Every tear has three layers, each of which has a different purpose. The inner layer coats the cornea; the middle layer, which is almost all water, provides moisture and oxygen to the cornea; and the outer layer is an oily film that seals the tears on our eyes and slows evaporation.

Two different glands create the layers. A small gland produces the inner and outer layers and a large gland under the upper eyelid produces the middle layer

Some tear researchers theorize that emotional tears carry hormones from the brain, which release calming endorphins and flush toxins out of the bloodstream returning our bodies to a reduced-stress state. (Others surmise that women tend to live longer than men because on average they cry twice as much as men.)

Isn’t it amazing how much intricacy went into the creation of tiny tears by our Creator!

My husband has joked that the only Bible verse tattoo he would ever get is John 11:35. He doesn’t like needles and that verse is the Bible’s shortest: “Jesus wept.”

Jesus was standing at the grave of his friend Lazarus surrounded by Lazarus’s weeping sisters and other wailing friends and He, too, began to cry.

He could have announced: “Everything’s going to be okay!” After all, Jesus knew He was about to raise Lazarus back to life. He could have said: “Don’t worry, be happy!

” After all, He knew that in moments their sorrow would be turned to joy.

But He didn’t. Instead, He wept.

I certainly don’t assume to definitely know all the reasons why Jesus wept, but I think He wanted those present to know He felt their sadness, too, and I believe He wanted those of us reading this account one day to know He thinks it’s all right to cry.

Many of us (especially men!) need to tell ourselves that truth: that weeping is not a sign of weakness or shame; that tears are indeed a gift from God to express our deepest feelings.

Can you imagine all the tears you’ve ever cried in your life? The ones when kids made fun of you on the playground and when you skinned your knee in the backyard. Don’t forget the ones when your pet died and when your first love broke your heart. Think about the tears you shed when you had your first car accident and when you didn’t have enough money to pay the bills.

Remember the tears when you heard the diagnosis and those you shed when someone who was treated with you “lost” the battle? Don’t forget those you let slip in the shower so you could wash them away before anyone could see.

But someone did see. The same One who created the complexity of tears, saw—and remembers—every one of yours.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 NLT 

I imagine some of us must have some pretty big bottles to store all our tears! But why does God keep and record these little salty drops?

I love the explanation given by author Joni Eareckson Tada, who has been confined to a wheelchair since a 1967 diving accident left her paralyzed from the neck down.

“Every tear you’ve cried will be redeemed. God will give you indescribable glory for your grief, not with a general wave of the hand, but in a considered and specific way. Each tear has been listed; each will be recompensed.

“I’ve cried a few times over not having the use of my hands. I think it’s ironic that on the day in heaven when I finally get back use of my hands so I can dry my own tears. . . . I won’t have to: ‘He will wipe away every tear from [our] eyes.’ (Revelation 21:4).”[i]

I look forward to that day when God will wipe away the tears from my watery right eye and show me how He has turned all my sadness into greatness for His kingdom. And until that time, I’m glad I’m not a mermaid so I my tears can soften my suffering.

Adapted from Peace in the Face of Cancer, copyright 2017 by Lynn Eib

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[i]Joni Eareckson Tada, “A List of Tears” in More Precious Than Silver(Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1998), April 24. Thanks to Joni for encouraging me and other readers of this devotional to consider the many reasons we’ve shed tears over the years.

If the music video below doesn’t automatically load, click on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGsPUOeuAto

Mar 14

Do You Need More Sunshine?

Do you start feeling a little funky in the fall? And by the time winter arrives are you downright depressed? Does your energy level disappear during the dark and you feel sluggish sans sun? Perhaps, you like me, have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a type of depression related to changing seasons.

Now I must be honest and tell you no physician actually has diagnosed me with this malady, but I’m fairly certain I have it. I don’t know if it’s because I grew up a California girl living an hour from the beach, but I LOVE the sun (yes, I used to lather myself with cocoa butter to get a better tan!) I do know that having a family history of SAD is a risk factor for relatives being diagnosed and I  remember my mother often remarking: “If I didn’t know better, I would worship the sun!”

I start feeling anxious in the fall because I know what season is coming next. As others are enjoying carving pumpkins and autumn leaves, I’m thinking: “I don’t know if I can get through another winter!”

Although SAD is more common in younger people, mine has gotten worse with age. I actually understand now why all those OLD people move to Florida for the winter and become “snowbirds!” 

According to the Mayo Clinic, SAD symptoms include: loss of interest in once enjoyable activities, problems sleeping, changes in appetite/weight, feeling sluggish, difficult concentrating, lack of energy and at its worst, feeling hopeless, guilty and even suicidal. (Read more at https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20364651)

Thankfully mine is a milder version and I’m able to slog through these darker months. But I  definitely rejoiced the day after the Winter Solstice (Dec. 21) because I knew I had made it through the year’s shortest day (5 hours and 23 minutes less sunlight than the Summer Solstice). And because the next day would have 1 MORE SECOND OF SUNSHINE! And then every day after that would have a a little more light! I even texted my good friend Pat, another SAD sufferer, and congratulated her for making it through the shortest day, although she admittedly was busy lighting 20 candles in her living room trying to light up her life!

Obviously I’m not a doctor (although I do love pretending I am and diagnosing myself and others), so if you think you might have SAD, you should seek professional advice. But one of the things that really helps me is “light therapy.” I don’t actually have one of those fancy, electric “phototherapy” lights, but I try expose myself to as much sunshine as possible. If the sun is out and it’s not too freezing, I walk outside for my dose of Vitamin D. If we go to a restaurant for lunch, I choose a seat by the window where the sun is in my face.

And in the mornings, I position myself at the dining room table near an eastern-facing picture window and let the rays pour on me as I read my Bible and drink my tea. I don’t bow my head or close my eyes to pray–I talk out loud to my Heavenly Father with my face lifted to the warm light.

And sometimes He gives me a special message from His Word, like the verse I read one recent dreary winter morning:

“How happy are this who have learned how to praise You; those who journey through life by the light of Your face.” (Psalm 89:15, The Voice Bible)

Yes, LORD, that’s how I want to journey through life–and especially through my dark days.  I want my greatest source of direction and comfort  and peace to be the light of Your face.

Will you join me in praising God and walking through your dark days–whether they be literal or figurative–by the light of His face? Will you commit to putting yourself in places where His light can touch you? Worshipping Him with a nearby congregation. Reading His Word with an open heart and mind. Singing or listening to praise music. And asking Christ-followers to pray for and with you.

And if your dark days are incredibly bleak because you or someone you love is facing a medically incurable illness, please remember the Isaiah 9:2 promise of the coming Messiah: “The people who walk in darkness will see a great light–a light that will shine on all who live in the land where death casts its shadow.”

Jesus is that light for the world. You can find His light, whoever you are, wherever you are and whatever darkness you face. The song below is my prayer of blessing for you today.

(If the music video doesn’t load, use this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEqclQGD7rs)

Jan 10

A Simple Way to be Healthier in 2018

So are you one of many people trying to eat healthier in the New Year? I’ve seen  quite pexels-photo-264537a few Facebook posts touting various plans: Whole 30, Clean-Eating, Volumetrics, Eat This Not That, and the 3-Day Military Diet, to name a few.

Or are you one of the scores of folks aiming to exercise into a healthier 2018? I found all these fitness routines recommended on Pinterest: 30-day Butt and Gut Challenge; 25-minute Treadmill Hilt Workout; Sweat Your Way through the Alphabet; Guns, Buns & Abs Challenge; and Low Angle View of Woman Relaxing on Beach Against Blue Skyeven the Victoria Secret Full Body Workout. (I don’t even think I want to know what that last one entails!)

Healthy eating makes very good sense to me and I tried to practice it right up until I got diagnosed in 1990 with stage 3 colon cancer at the age of 36! In addition to my careful cuisine back then, I belonged to the local “Y” and exercised for 90 minutes three times a week. So I’m the first person to admit that eating well and exercising do NOT guarantee a healthy, long life. But, I’m here 27 cancer-free years later so I’m NOT about to say my lifestyle didn’t help either.

But we all know we are more than just flesh and bones. Each of us is a spiritual being as well. And we can’t really separate our body, mind and spirit. Each one affects the other. What we put into our bodies can affect our minds and spirits (like how your mind feels after drinking too much caffeine or how a dark chocolate Dove bar seems to make the day seem brighter?).

What we allow into our minds  can influence how our bodies and spirits feel (like how I have trouble falling asleep after watching a scary movie or can’t relax right after an exciting late-night football game).

And the condition of our spirit can affect our mind and body as well (like how I get a headache when my trust with a friend has been betrayed).

A holistic approach to good health is, I believe, crucial for wellness. But it can be difficult to be strong in spirit when we don’t feel well in body or mind. Mental stress, physical fatigue or pain can discourage and/or depress even the best of us.

That’s why its so crucial to care and “feed” all our parts. It’s pretty obvious that our bodies need the right food (and that Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream does not count as a fruit serving!). They also need the right rest (listen to your body if it’s telling you to take a nap!). And they need the right exercise (reaching in and out of a potato chip does not count as repetitive arm curls!).

It’s clear we can feed our minds by filling them with such things as soothing music, positive thoughts (like good blogs!) and mental stimulation. But how do we feed out spirits?

It’s actually very simple, and unlike organic foods and fancy gym memberships, it’s free. As you read the Word of God and truths about His Word, you are supplying the Free stock photo of business, cross, shadow, religionnourishment your spirit needs. You can access Bibles and inspirational daily readings through sites and free apps like https://www.biblegateway.com/ and https://www.youversion.com/ . You can even sign up for no-cost Bible plans on a variety of topics designed to encourage and empower you in everyday life.

Even if serious or chronic illness makes it difficult for you to strengthen your body some days, don’t ever let your spirit go hungry–feed it everyday with God’s Word and you will be strong in spirit.

Dear friend, I hope all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit. —3 John 1:2

 

 

 

 

Nov 14

How Captain America Saved the Day for Me

 

As you can see I met Captain America recently—he actually stopped by my house the other day for a few hours. The Captain, a.k.a. grandson Benny, wanted to show me his new shield (Mommy, a.k.a. Wonder Woman-Shopper, found it in the Target clearance bin) and the pint-sized super hero clearly explained to me that it was “made of indestructible vibranium.”

I was especially glad he brought the shield as he deftly used it to block the swinging plastic bat aimed at my face by his 1-year-old brother Jack. Both boys seemed to immensely enjoy this game of the little one taking aim at Grandma and the bigger one interjecting the vibranium shield at just the right moment.

I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of Captain America by telling him I didn’t know what vibranium was, so after he left I Googled it. Turns out it’s only real in Marvel comic books, but on those pages it is able to absorb all the vibrations of anything that hits it. And I will attest that in my real life, it did absorb blows from a free-swinging toddler.

After the shield saved my face from being pummeled, it got me thinking about some 27 years ago when another friend held up a shield for me.

It was in 1990 just a few days after I came home from my colon cancer surgery that our dear friends Gene and Sheila Latta stopped by for a visited. I begged the usually jovial Gene not to say anything to try and make me laugh because my abdominal incision with 27 staples hurt way too much. He obliged and I began to pour out my fears and my tears to Sheila, my older and wiser friend.

“Everyone prayed for Ralph’s first wife and she still died,” I sobbed. “If God didn’t heal her, why would He heal me? I’m no better than she was.”

Thankfully, Sheila didn’t try to explain why one faithful follower doesn’t survive a life-threatening illness and why another does because there is no answer this side of eternity. But she did remind me of Truth.

“Your fight with cancer is a physical battle, but it also is a spiritual battle,” she gently explained. “You need to hold up your shield of faith.”

I knew the verse in Ephesians 6:16 to which she was referring: “Hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.” For me, those fiery arrows included depression, fear, anxiety and despair—all common for people facing life’s dark trials.

Sheila prayed for me and reminded me of what I knew in my head, but could not feel in my heart: God’s love and presence in our life are not based on whether we’re “good enough”—they are unconditional gifts from our heavenly Father. She promised to continually pray for me to have the strength to hold up my shield of faith in a God who has proved His love for me: “This is real love—not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.” (I John 4:10)

Slowly, but surely that shield absorbed the lying arrows of the devil and I felt God’s love and experienced His peace even in the face of cancer.

How are you doing holding up your shield of faith? Are you listening to the lies of the enemy or the truth of the lover of your soul? Do you need to ask a trusted friend to help you hold up that shield? Do you need to ask a trusted friend to help you hold up that shield? No matter what you can see or not see, you can’t see it all. Have faith in the God who will never leave you nor forsake you.

I hope you are fortunate to have Captain America stop by your home and protect you with his vibranium shield, but I especially pray you hold up your shield of true faith: “Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.” (Hebrews 11:1)

(I am still experiencing major technical difficulties with my website, so i can’t upload the music video here. But please click on the link to enjoy “Give Me Faith'” by Elevation Worship) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMVvqI1-tM4