Category: disappointment

Jun 04

Restoring What the Locusts Have Eaten

This is the story of one woman’s pain, her mistakes, and her grief. But it’s especially the story of how God redeemed her heartaches…and her soul.

My dear friend Carmen grew up with an angry, abusive father, whom her mother divorced when Carmen was about 11 or 12. As she looks back on her rough childhood, she believes she suffered from undiagnosed clinical depression from her teens through early adulthood.

“I remember being tired, bored, lonely, and feeling nothing really made me happy,” she recalls.

Eventually she met a handsome star athlete as she was moving into her dorm at Temple University in Philly. They quickly were in a “serious dating relationship,” but before long, he “cheated” on her.

“My depression became worse and I internalized all the hurt,” Carmen says. “I thought the only way out of the pain was to end my life.

“That was the first attempt to take my life and then I compounded the problem by marrying him,” she acknowledges.

The second suicide attempt came after her new husband continued to stray.

“I tried to end my life again, but God wouldn’t have it,” Carmen remembers. “Even then, God had a bigger purpose for my life.”

The infidelity pain was compounded by two tragedies: Before the couple married in 1985, a baby boy born without kidneys who survived a mere 16 hours; then another son born in 1986 with multiple birth defects, who lived only 16 months.

Carmen was devastated.

Renea & Carmen

“I was so angry with God I went to see my friend Renea, who talked about knowing God–and I wanted some answers!,” she recalls. “I always thought she was the best friend and that she would be a really great friend if she’s just quit talking about Jesus!”

But when Carmen took her angry questions to her friend, “she gently and kindly told me about Jesus–a real Savior who wanted a relationship with me.”

The two women, friends since teenagers, started going to worship together, and Carmen still remembers the pastor’s sermon which changed her life. It was the story in 2 Chronicles 20 where the Israelites prayed and “raised a hallelujah,” and God made a way where there seemed to be no way.

“For the first time, the Word of God actually made sense to me,” Carmen says. “I went down front (of the sanctuary) and gave my life to the Lord on January 31, 1988.”

“Since then it has been a beautiful adventure,” she says, “I was miraculously healed of the depression and when my husband cheated on me again, I didn’t blame myself because I knew I was a child of God!

“I looked up and said ‘I deserve better than this!’ and that gave me the strength to leave him.”

Fast-forward to August 1997 when a co-worker introduced Carmen to his friend Greg. It was another whirlwind romance, but Carmen was not the same person.

“My criteria was a husband who loved God even more than he loved me, and I found one,” she explains.

Carmen’s recent 60th birthday party

The couple married in March 1998 and have since adopted two children, son Quinn (now 16) from Ethiopia and daughter Makenzie (now 11) born in the States.

“God has restored everything that was taken from me,” Carmen says. “He completely healed my broken heart over my babies and He’s given me two beautiful children and a wonderful husband…this is a testimony of what God has done!”

No wonder one of Carmen’s favorite verses is Joel 2:25:

I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten.

Carmen has been in my weekly women’s Bible study for almost four years and our group was shocked to learn of the heartaches she has faced, as she is known for her beautiful, glowing smile.

“It’s joy!,” she told us. “It’s not happiness; before I was seeking happiness and now I have JOY!

“I don’t share my story so you will feel sorry for me, but because I want you to know the miracle of God,” she explains. “I know God is real!”

As an adult, Carmen forgave and reconciled with her dad and they had many good years together before his death in 2005.

“He was just a flawed human being in need of forgiveness, just like the rest of us,” she explains. “And like my favorite song says: May my whole life prove that God is good.”

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Please open in your browser so you don’t miss Carmen’s favorite song, “God is Good” by Jonathan McReynolds. “The first time I heard it, I just broke down,” she says.

Feb 20

For Days When You Can’t See the Sun

On a recent, dark, foggy morning, my husband and I were riding in the car with our youngest grandchild. As we drove past the nearby Limerick nuclear power plant and its steamy twin towers, 6-year-old Mathis made this observation:

“Those cloud-maker buildings are really working hard today…I can’t even see the sun!”

I had to smile at his description of “cloud-maker buildings” hiding the light.

 

Do you ever feel as if some “cloud-maker buildings are really working hard” to darken your days?

I recall an awful time in 2017 when all of my normal “support team” was either knocked out of commission or otherwise occupied:

  • My youngest daughter’s 2-year-old had the flu, her 6-month-old had a double ear infection while her husband and 4-year-old were recovering from the flu.
  • My middle daughter was tending to her two preschoolers, both with the flu, following her own (and her kindergartener’s) bouts with it.
  • One of my oldest daughter’s best friends was run over by a car while jogging and in trauma care fighting for her life.
  • My prayer partner of many years had a hacking cough from the flu and couldn’t even talk on the phone.
  • My closest friend from church was unreachable in another country.
  • My poor husband still was having trouble with his knee replacement and couldn’t walk or drive  without severe pain.
  • And while working on our 2016 taxes—much too late—I discovered a clerical error with a tax bill resulting in several thousand dollars of unpaid taxes, penalty fees galore, and a possible lien on our home.

As I stressed over deadlines for FB book launch posts, blogs, magazine articles, and speaking engagements, as well as concern for so many loved ones in dire straits, my heart was overwhelmed.

So I tried to be extra “good” to myself. I got a massage. I went for walks.  I sat in my hot tub. I ate big bowls of popcorn. I drank a root beer float with the popcorn.

I prayed. I read my Bible. I listened to worship music.

But I still couldn’t “see” the Son.

Finally, I texted Gigi, my friend of many decades in Colorado, and asked her to call me that weekend.

Within moments, my phone beeped.

“You must be really desperate to want me to call,” she said with a laugh.

“I am!” I responded as the tears welled up.

And then I dumped it all on my dear friend. Everything I wrote about here with much more detail and weeping.

I’m not going to share exactly how Gigi responded, but she calmly and prayerfully led me into the presence of Jesus so that I could feel His love for me.

In those few moments absolutely nothing changed in my circumstances and yet everything changed inside me as Psalm 61: 2 came true before my eyes.My friend’s prayer lifted my eyes off all the “cloud-maker buildings” and focused them on my Rock and my Redeemer who is above it all and could take the burdens I was never meant to carry.

You light a lamp for me. The LORD my God, light up my darkness. Psalm 18:28

Dear friend, I don’t know how or when God will lead you to the high rock, but I believe with all my heart that He will. Keep crying out to Him and when you can’t hear His voice, ask a trusted friend to cry out with you. He’ll take the burdens you never were meant to carry. +++

P.S. A few updates from the 2017 crises: My oldest daughter’s friend miraculously recovered from the accident. My husband’s knee was infected and had to have a second (and thankfully, successful) replacement. I got the taxes straightened out without going bankrupt. Gigi now lives across the street so I can just holler out the door when I need her! 🙂

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Please open in your browser to hear the incredible song, “Great Reward” by Tim Timmons, longtime stage 4 cancer survivor and my friend!

Feb 06

4 Things Not to Say to Suffering People

Two days after my cancer surgery in 1990 at the age of 36, a friend came into my hospital room  with a smile on her face as she announced: “God is going to teach you great things through this trial!”

I wanted to take the IV out of my arm, stab it in hers, and tell her to get in the bed and learn great things from God!

Instead, I smiled weakly and pushed the morphine pump button.

During my more than three decades of cancer support ministry I’ve known literally thousands of suffering people. Here are four things I’ve learned not to say:

1. You should…
However we might be tempted to finish that sentence, we need to stop. Suffering people don’t need our advice unless they ask for it.  Suffering is overwhelming and becomes even more so when well-meaning people offer recommendations they believe will help. Most of us are “fixers” and can jump into that role as soon as we hear a need.

Chris Lawrence

Author and longtime stage 4 cancer survivor Chris Lawrence offers this insight: “There is something healing about another person affirming our situation–not just trying to ‘fix it,’ but instead being with us in it.”

Let’s affirm that we hear someone’s hurt. Offer a simple (non-preaching!) prayer. Give assurance of our love–and God’s–no matter what.

2. Something good/better will come from this.
Yes, God can turn mourning into dancing and trade ashes for beauty, but whatever good comes may pale in comparison to the losses and may not even happen in this lifetime.

My friend Marge whose immediate family–husband and two children–were killed by a drunk driver made this observation about suffering: “Grief has given me a perspective on life’s priorities, an appreciation of the significance of the moment, a delight in the distraction of the trivial and a fearlessness of death. But I would gladly give up all these insights to…have my family back.”

It’s not our job to make sense of someone else’s suffering. God may reveal that to them, but as He told Job, He doesn’t owe us an explanation.

3. You shouldn’t feel that way.
Saying this to a suffering person minimizes their pain and is like hitting them when they’re already down.

Remember Job’s friends? Before they started telling him what not to feel, they were great comforters.

When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words. Job 2:11-13

Let us, too, sit in silence in those moments when a suffering loved one needs a safe place to vent.

4. Everything happens for a reason.
If this is a favorite phrase and you love to say it to yourself, please, continue! But others may not find the sentiment comforting because the word “reason” by definition means there is an explanation, a justification or rational grounds for what’s occurring. The implication is there’s a hidden “good” reason something happened.

What’s the good reason for suicide? War? Murder? Molestation?

Instead of offering platitudes, let’s offer our presence. NY Times bestselling author Rick Warren shares this personal recollection:

“Our small group came over after (our son) Matthew died. They said, ‘We’re spending the night at your house. We’re not going to leave you here alone. We’re going to be with you.’They didn’t try to give us any words of wisdom. They just gave us the ministry of presence. They slept on our couches and on the floor. I’ll never forget how it held us up.”

My friend was right–I have learned great things from God through my cancer journey.

I just wish she hadn’t told me while my suffering was still too great for words.

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Open in a browser to hear “God of Comfort” by CH Worship.

Jan 23

Why did God let this happen?

When you believe in God, it can be hard to come to terms with the fact that He has allowed adversity to come into your life or your loved one’s.

In the book If God Is So Good, Why Do I Hurt So Bad?  author David Biebel says there are two truths suffering people have to reconcile:

Sometimes life is agony.
Our loving God is in control.

Think about it.

If God knows everything, this trial did not surprise Him.

If God sees everything, He saw the bad news coming.

If God has power over everything, He could have fixed it.

But He didn’t.

He didn’t prevent you or your loved one from getting cancer, dementia, ALS or a multitude of other afflictions.  God didn’t thwart the divorce, the job loss, the infidelity, the pay cut, the addiction, the waywardness, or scores of other struggles. Our loving Heavenly Father didn’t stop them from happening to you or your loved one.

Photo by Dewang Gupta on Unsplash

And so we ask, or maybe we even scream…Why did God let this happen?

My unsatisfying, but honest response is… I don’t know.

Yes, I know that “good” sometimes can come from “bad,” but the journey through the bad can be, oh, so difficult.

And yet the reality is that God’s Word never promises He will stop all bad things from happening to us.

On the contrary, it promises us that He is prepared for each battle and will equip us, too.

The Message Bible paraphrases 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 this way:
“We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles,
but we’re not demoralized;
we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do;
we’ve been spiritually terrorized. But God hasn’t left our side;
we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken.”

When you’re being battered and thrown down, if you are like me, you just want God to take it away and give back your happy life!

Author Philip Yancey, who has written extensively on suffering, (including co-authoring Pain: The Gift Nobody Wants) revealed last year that a Parkinson’s disease diagnosis is causing him to put his written words into practice. Yancey admits he “would be delighted to have Parkinson’s magically removed” from his life, but also believes in God’s power to enrich our lives despite our circumstances.

“With some exceptions,” he says, “those who live with pain and failure tend to be better stewards of their life circumstances than those who live with success and pleasure.

“Pain redeemed impresses me much more than pain removed,” Yancey adds.*

I pray you are encouraged by knowing that your or your loved one’s diagnosis/crisis/problem has not taken God by surprise. He is in control and knows how to equip you for it. And if He doesn’t remove the pain–physical, emotional, mental and spiritual–please believe He can redeem it.

You may feel as if you can’t even face the situation, but I guarantee you that our God can!

* https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2023/february-web-only/philip-yancey-ct-parkinsons-diagnosis-gift-i-didnt-want.html

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Open in your browser to hear “My God Can” with Katy Nichole (featuring Naomi Raine).

Oct 24

A Diagnosis Bringing Life…Not Death

Cancer could have killed her, but instead it’s teaching her how to live.

That’s how my friend Kim DeVries describes the past four years since a breast cancer diagnosis at the age of 51 rocked her world.

“I used to say ‘maybe someday I’ll do that,’ but now it’s more like ‘I’m going to do that!'” explains Kim, who recently hiked 20 miles at high elevation near her Colorado home.

She and Curt, her husband of 33 years, used to talk about “someday checking out” scenic sights. Now they’re more likely to say “Let’s go this weekend.”

And since finishing her surgery and radiation, Kim says she “appreciates the little things in life more.”

Photo taken from Kim’s yard

“I’ve always enjoyed watching sunrises and sunsets, but I appreciate them even more now,” she says. “Small things like a good cup of coffee, I take note of more easily.  And I see and appreciate the little details in nature more.”

Kim. a part-time library administrative assistant, says her cancer diagnosis “came as a complete shock.” No family history of breast cancer and no indications there was anything amiss until the tumor showed up on a mammogram.

Fortunately the cancer was caught early, but for a few weeks after the surgery, she waited anxiously to hear whether the tumor’s characteristics would require chemo.

“As I was relaxing one Sunday afternoon on the back deck of my house,” Kim recalls, “a house finch sitting on the deck railing looked directly at me and sang.

“The instant the bird flew away I heard a still, small voice saying, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’ I knew that no matter what happened God was in control and taking care of me.”

Shortly afterward, Kim and Curt were taking a walk and she decided to discuss a ministry called “Be Still and Know” with her husband…a self-admitted worrier.

“I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to be doing with all this,” Kim said as she explained her idea for “encouragement bags” for patients and caregivers with items that helped bring her peace during her cancer journey.

Curt’s response surprised and thrilled her; “I love that idea and if God has laid that on your heart, I’m not even worried about the cost.”

In 2021 Kim began putting bags together in her laundry room and handing them out for free to local cancer centers and churches. By 2022, she had a designated room in their home for the operation and to date, Kim estimates about 1,440 encouragement bags have been gifted.

At first, Kim hand stenciled “Let your Faith be Bigger than your Fear” on each bag, but eventually hired a supplier to do that job. However, she still personally packs and prays over each bag.

“We want to be a light in the dark for others and show that God is with them,” Kim says.

Recently, Curt heard from a business associate that her dear friend had stage 4 cancer, so he offered to send a bag.

“We have no idea whether this friend knew God before her diagnosis,” Kim says, “but on three separate occasions Curt’s business contact has specifically brought up that the Be Still and Know bag has changed her friend’s life. The friend has even  read the book (50 Days of Hope) twice!”

“Be still, be calm, see, and understand I am the True God.” Psalm 46:10 The Voice Bible

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++Be Still and Know is a 501(c) nonprofit, https://www.bestillandknowinc.org which is funded solely through individual donors. You can donate online to have a bag sent to either a male or female patient, or a caregiver. https://www.facebook.com/BeStillandKnowInc  

Open in your browser to hear “Be Still and Know” by Stephen Curtis Chapman.