Category: caregivers

Oct 08

A Real-Life Hero

Andrew Sone has met many interesting people–some good, others very bad–in his years as a parole officer, a Megan’s Law predator unit member, a clinical social worker and finally a therapist.  But there’s only one person he calls his hero.

“If anyone asks who’s my hero, I always say ‘my wife’,” explains 54-year-old Andrew, who has been married to Jennifer for 22 years.

To be clear, Jennifer was his hero even before she was diagnosed with cancer last summer, but her cancer journey “has just solidified it.”

Jennifer, 49, doesn’t feel like a hero. She’s physically weak, has trouble concentrating, and still misses her long hair.

Last year, she knew something wasn’t right health- wise, but it took a few months to finally get to the correct medical specialist, who could order the proper tests.

“I was crying when I first saw my scan results (online) and my initial words were: ‘I can’t believe I’m dying’,” Jennifer recalls.  “Then a few weeks later when the doctor sat me down and told me it was stage 4, I lost it again.”

Jennifer’s diagnosis of ovarian cancer spread to the lining of the lung, liver and diaphragm “was surreal,” Andrew recalls. “It’s something you never think would happen; cancer applies to someone else.”

Jennifer (before cancer) & her dog Kapua

In the fall of last year, Jennifer had chemo and surgery to shrink the 10-cm ovarian mass. That was followed by HIPEC, an aggressive surgical technique which bathes the abdominal cavity in a heated, concentrated chemo solution designed to kill residual cancer cells. Then she started  “maintenance” chemo and a PARP-inhibitor (targeted therapy that helps cells repair damaged DNA)–a regimen scheduled to be  every three weeks for two years.

Follow-up scans and blood work continue to deliver good news:  NED (No Evidence of Disease).

Andrew credits his hero-wife’s “passionate love affair with God” for guiding her through these difficult months, including her beloved dog passing away.

“Jen’s walk with the Lord is unwavering.”

“God really sustains me,” Jennifer  explains. “I just can’t believe all He’s gotten me through. We are all 100-percent in need of God all the time, but (Andrew and I) were just so helpless after my diagnosis, we really felt how much we needed Him.”

Andrew agrees and says it seemed like “the wind was knocked out of me and my faith was redefined to truly understand ‘dependency’.

“Some of the most powerful prayers I prayed contained just one word: Jesus. That one word said ‘I am completely dependent on You’.”

Jennifer acknowledges her share of “crying spells,” but says she always finds strength in Isaiah 41:10:

The couple recently started a “Praying thru Cancer” support group in their hometown of Myrtle Beach in hopes of encouraging others on difficult cancer journeys. They also regularly give away copies of 50 Days of Hope, the book a co-worker gave Jen and which led her to contact me.

Through our correspondence, I discovered that for many years the Sones lived in Pennsylvania and that her parents still live just a few miles from my home. So when the couple came this summer to visit family, we made plans to meet for breakfast.

I’m not sure who was more excited: Jennifer or me!

“I told everyone this is my Make-a-Wish to meet you,” she said with tears in her eyes.

But with tears in my eyes, I knew I had the gift of hugging a real-life hero of the faith.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Please open in your browser to hear “I Will Fear No More” by The Afters.

 

 

 

 

Sep 10

Wrapping People in God’s Love

Kelley & Rick with Connie’s quilt

When her best friend was diagnosed with cancer,  Kelley Carson stitched a lap quilt so Connie could be “wrapped in my love and the love of Jesus.”

But neither woman ever imagined that 20 years later nearly 9,000 more cancer patients also would be wrapped in that love.

“We started giving away a few quilts to people getting chemo with Connie,” Kelley recalls. “And then it just took off from there.”

Connie passed away in 2007, but in 2004 the two women formed Cozy Quilters Ministries https://www.facebook.com/cozyquilts2017/ at their small, country church in western New York state.

A few church ladies prayerfully stitched the quilts, which along with a note of encouragement and a copy of my first book, When GOD & Cancer Meet, were placed in a matching tote bag.

“Once word got out about what we were doing, the names starting streaming in,” Kelley says.  “And they still do. As long as we have a name and an address, we will send a quilt.”

The CQ volunteers even have sent quilts to celebrities facing cancer including former Jeopardy host Alex Trebek, singer Olivia Newton John, and actor Beau Bridges –all of whom responded with thank-you notes.

The quilters didn’t hear back from former Buffalo Bills’ quarterback Jim Kelly, but did see him in a TV interview sitting with his red, white and blue Cozy Quilt draped behind him on his recliner.

“We vowed that if we heard of a person with cancer and had a way to get a quilt to them, we would,” Kelley explains. “We want to wrap the arms of Christ around everyone that we can.”

Today there are seven CQ chapters in western New York and one in northern Pennsylvania. At the 20th anniversary celebration last month, the groups announced they had given away a total of 8,871 quilts! (No wonder When GOD & Cancer Meet just had its 20th printing!)

Quilts have gone out to all 50 states and 18 foreign countries. There is no charge to the recipient or the person requesting the quilt as all costs for fabric, postage and my books are covered by donations.

Earlier this year a quilt was called for, but Kelley didn’t need the recipient’s address.

Her husband of 38 years was diagnosed with colon cancer, so Kelley made 6′ 4′ Rick (whose nickname is “Animal”) a Sasquatch (Big Foot) patterned quilt. In May, the 63-year old retired union laborer had robotic surgery at Roswell Cancer Center in Buffalo to remove the tumor and resection his colon.

Rick with his Big Foot quilt!

“Doctors tell me that basically I’m cured,” says Rick, who especially is thankful to have been able to walk his only daughter down the aisle last month.

But even before he got word that the cancer was completely contained and removed, Rick says he “felt at peace.”

“I just felt there was no reason to worry about it because it was out of my control,” he explains.

Kelley describes Cozy Quilt Ministries “as an evangelism ministry that just happens to use quilts” and vows that “as long as God continues to provide what we need to do this, I will keep doing it.”

“None of us are in control of this ministry,” she adds. “The Holy Spirit goes with each of these quilts and touches people at just the right time. I never could have imagined what God would do.”

P.S. (For info on making a donation or starting a CQ group, email cozyquiltministries@gmail.com)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Open in your browser to hear “O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus” with Reawaken Hymns.

Apr 09

Incurable Cancer and God’s Goodness

If you ask my dear friend Pat Magness what’s getting her through a nearly three-year journey with incurable cancer–and remission from it–she will tell you: God’s goodness and Lee’s encouragement.

Both God and husband Lee were in Pat’s life long before the sobering diagnosis, but her love for each has grown much deeper.

Pat and Lee, college sweethearts and retired college professors, have been avid travelers for all their 57 years of marriage–visiting about 50 countries.

But their cancer journey has been the most difficult they’ve ever faced.

“I was diagnosed in July 2021, but I had terrible back pain for months,” Pat recalls, “so I knew something was really wrong.”

An MRI finally revealed the problem: two spinal fractures.

She was directed immediately to another hospital for emergency  surgery to stabilize her back and avoid any paralysis. Meanwhile, Lee was admitted to a different hospital with a “scary” cellulitis (bacterial skin infection)!

Pat’s extensive blood work and bone marrow biopsy revealed the culprit was multiple myeloma: a blood cancer that develops in bone marrow plasma cells.

With two short rods implanted in her spine, Pat left the hospital in a fitted back brace she wore for three months.

When both were released from their hospitals, they spent the next month with younger son Ethan and his family, who live in the same town.

“We had been independent, traveling the world and all of a sudden we couldn’t even take care of ourselves in our own home,” Pat explains.

Chemo began shortly and the cancer responded almost immediately. Soon doctors were discussing a stem cell transplant, even though at 74 Pat normally would be considered “too old.”

Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center decided Pat was a good candidate for the procedure, designed to restore the body’s ability to produce new blood cells after treatment with the very high chemo doses.

A transplant is an ordeal lasting several weeks and includes constant monitoring and high risk of infection. Pat and Lee stayed at a nearby apartment and every day Lee insisted they walk back and forth to the center.

“It got really tough,” Pat remembers. “I would say ‘I don’t think I can do that’ and Lee would encourage me to try. We walked every day for six weeks and there was only one time he had to drive me.

“I credit Lee with saving my life,” she continues. “He made the beds, did the cooking and the driving–everything for me.”

Celebrating 2nd transplant anniversary

Follow-ups tests show the cancer to be in complete remission and Pat continues on a bi-monthly “maintenance” treatment. She admits it gets tiring to be “constantly confronting your own mortality–you can’t pretend there’s nothing wrong.”

But in those discouraging moments, Pat recalls the hope promised in Romans 15:13:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him,
so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

When I asked what got her through the toughest times, Pat says it was “songs in the night” (Job 35:10)

A former church pianist, she “began to hear worship music, especially at night–it was so unusual.”

“No anxiety,  I just felt gratitude for life and for treatment,” she adds. “The song I heard most was ‘Goodness of God’.

“When you enter the cancer world, it helps to have things to live for and I just had so many things.”

Grandchildren’s high school and college graduations.  A new ministry praying for cancer patients. International traveling again. And last month accompanying us on our Mississippi riverboat cruise to belatedly celebrate our 50th anniversary.

Yes, the goodness of God.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Open in your browser to hear Pat’s favorite song in the night–“Goodness of God” with CeCe Winans.

Feb 06

4 Things Not to Say to Suffering People

Two days after my cancer surgery in 1990 at the age of 36, a friend came into my hospital room  with a smile on her face as she announced: “God is going to teach you great things through this trial!”

I wanted to take the IV out of my arm, stab it in hers, and tell her to get in the bed and learn great things from God!

Instead, I smiled weakly and pushed the morphine pump button.

During my more than three decades of cancer support ministry I’ve known literally thousands of suffering people. Here are four things I’ve learned not to say:

1. You should…
However we might be tempted to finish that sentence, we need to stop. Suffering people don’t need our advice unless they ask for it.  Suffering is overwhelming and becomes even more so when well-meaning people offer recommendations they believe will help. Most of us are “fixers” and can jump into that role as soon as we hear a need.

Chris Lawrence

Author and longtime stage 4 cancer survivor Chris Lawrence offers this insight: “There is something healing about another person affirming our situation–not just trying to ‘fix it,’ but instead being with us in it.”

Let’s affirm that we hear someone’s hurt. Offer a simple (non-preaching!) prayer. Give assurance of our love–and God’s–no matter what.

2. Something good/better will come from this.
Yes, God can turn mourning into dancing and trade ashes for beauty, but whatever good comes may pale in comparison to the losses and may not even happen in this lifetime.

My friend Marge whose immediate family–husband and two children–were killed by a drunk driver made this observation about suffering: “Grief has given me a perspective on life’s priorities, an appreciation of the significance of the moment, a delight in the distraction of the trivial and a fearlessness of death. But I would gladly give up all these insights to…have my family back.”

It’s not our job to make sense of someone else’s suffering. God may reveal that to them, but as He told Job, He doesn’t owe us an explanation.

3. You shouldn’t feel that way.
Saying this to a suffering person minimizes their pain and is like hitting them when they’re already down.

Remember Job’s friends? Before they started telling him what not to feel, they were great comforters.

When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words. Job 2:11-13

Let us, too, sit in silence in those moments when a suffering loved one needs a safe place to vent.

4. Everything happens for a reason.
If this is a favorite phrase and you love to say it to yourself, please, continue! But others may not find the sentiment comforting because the word “reason” by definition means there is an explanation, a justification or rational grounds for what’s occurring. The implication is there’s a hidden “good” reason something happened.

What’s the good reason for suicide? War? Murder? Molestation?

Instead of offering platitudes, let’s offer our presence. NY Times bestselling author Rick Warren shares this personal recollection:

“Our small group came over after (our son) Matthew died. They said, ‘We’re spending the night at your house. We’re not going to leave you here alone. We’re going to be with you.’They didn’t try to give us any words of wisdom. They just gave us the ministry of presence. They slept on our couches and on the floor. I’ll never forget how it held us up.”

My friend was right–I have learned great things from God through my cancer journey.

I just wish she hadn’t told me while my suffering was still too great for words.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Open in a browser to hear “God of Comfort” by CH Worship.

Jan 23

Why did God let this happen?

When you believe in God, it can be hard to come to terms with the fact that He has allowed adversity to come into your life or your loved one’s.

In the book If God Is So Good, Why Do I Hurt So Bad?  author David Biebel says there are two truths suffering people have to reconcile:

Sometimes life is agony.
Our loving God is in control.

Think about it.

If God knows everything, this trial did not surprise Him.

If God sees everything, He saw the bad news coming.

If God has power over everything, He could have fixed it.

But He didn’t.

He didn’t prevent you or your loved one from getting cancer, dementia, ALS or a multitude of other afflictions.  God didn’t thwart the divorce, the job loss, the infidelity, the pay cut, the addiction, the waywardness, or scores of other struggles. Our loving Heavenly Father didn’t stop them from happening to you or your loved one.

Photo by Dewang Gupta on Unsplash

And so we ask, or maybe we even scream…Why did God let this happen?

My unsatisfying, but honest response is… I don’t know.

Yes, I know that “good” sometimes can come from “bad,” but the journey through the bad can be, oh, so difficult.

And yet the reality is that God’s Word never promises He will stop all bad things from happening to us.

On the contrary, it promises us that He is prepared for each battle and will equip us, too.

The Message Bible paraphrases 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 this way:
“We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles,
but we’re not demoralized;
we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do;
we’ve been spiritually terrorized. But God hasn’t left our side;
we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken.”

When you’re being battered and thrown down, if you are like me, you just want God to take it away and give back your happy life!

Author Philip Yancey, who has written extensively on suffering, (including co-authoring Pain: The Gift Nobody Wants) revealed last year that a Parkinson’s disease diagnosis is causing him to put his written words into practice. Yancey admits he “would be delighted to have Parkinson’s magically removed” from his life, but also believes in God’s power to enrich our lives despite our circumstances.

“With some exceptions,” he says, “those who live with pain and failure tend to be better stewards of their life circumstances than those who live with success and pleasure.

“Pain redeemed impresses me much more than pain removed,” Yancey adds.*

I pray you are encouraged by knowing that your or your loved one’s diagnosis/crisis/problem has not taken God by surprise. He is in control and knows how to equip you for it. And if He doesn’t remove the pain–physical, emotional, mental and spiritual–please believe He can redeem it.

You may feel as if you can’t even face the situation, but I guarantee you that our God can!

* https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2023/february-web-only/philip-yancey-ct-parkinsons-diagnosis-gift-i-didnt-want.html

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Open in your browser to hear “My God Can” with Katy Nichole (featuring Naomi Raine).